Black Sheep

So I am interrupting my transferring of posts from SC for the reason i have a personal blog...


Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

i HATE how some how my pitiful little family have become the Black sheep of the Smith clan!!!! Kim posted on her FB account that she got some disheartening news about a family member.... I put something on there about praying for them... she IM'ed me later (I was on the wii at the time so I don't really see it) that it's about Grandpa Smith...

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

So HOW COME i don't have any clue what's going on?!? No call from Dad... all day. No call from anyone else. No emails. NOTHING

IT IS SO FRUSTRATING!!! and yes I intended that to be all caps!

GGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

I can't exactly ask her what has happened on her post.... I can't be rude and put in my status (like I would love to) "Would someone care to full me in on what has happened with my Grandpa!" or "I hate being left in the dark about things" (hmm maybe i can use that one) or something about being the black sheep of the family... cause I am sure they would all deny it!

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

I don't think my rant is over yet.... but I need to get some other things done and get to bed on time tonight, work is EARLY!!! and it's pretty slick outside :( (and I am missing MOPS beside)

ETA: rachel to be calling

2009-1-18 Sweet Sundays

Sweet Sundays

on 01-18-2009 at 11:05 PM (70 Views)

I wrote a blog last week in my Family blog that I titled “Sweet Sundays” and thought I’d do another one, but didn’t want to have two posts with the same name right in a row ( haven’t posted since then), and this one is focused mainly on my sweet Corine that we lost (and Heaven gained) at 15 weeks gestation back in Aug. So I decided that this one would go here... and with that...

So our pastor today was talking about the Tower of Babel (Gen 11:1-9). About how when God dispersed everyone and confused their language, that it was what is called a ‘common grace.’ A common grace is defined as: “The Grace of God by which He gives innumerable blessings that are not part of salvation.” And he gave examples of his own life, one where he played chicken (as a kid) and didn’t get hurt or in trouble. Then he gave examples of things he’s seen... a child at church, who is just precious, and is loved so much by everyone, his little life is a common grace. And a young woman who battling cancer, and is about have the ultimate glorification (death) and how she can still praise God and her life is a common grace. So I was thinking of... what else? The m/c... and how it was God’s common grace that we were in a church that cares about us as a family (and not as a number) and is thoughtful enough to come out and tell us that there are others who have lost a child (this is hard to tell someone...). It was God’s common grace that I have been so involved in MOPS, and that they were willing to help in whatever way. It was God’s common grace that one of the paramedics used to live in this house (how crazy is that?). It was God’s common grace that we are at our hospital, not the one that the Ambulance drivers don’t like to drive to . It was God’s common grace that Jenn (and her husband) was home and that she was able to come over so quickly to take care of the girls. I’m sure that there are so many more that I am going to think of over the next week and a half... that’s how long it is till my EDD with Corine... but I think that is enough for right now. I am sure that I would actually have her in my arms now (had things not gone the way they did) because of the way the weather has been around here lately. I miss my baby!

2009-1-12 Unmerited fears ... continued...

Unmerited fears ... continued...

on 01-12-2009 at 11:00 PM (95 Views)

So, I was reading my 'sister's blog today and decided that I really shouldn't comment there... or on my family blog, so here I am...

First off this has to with the blog I wrote a couple of months back... you can read the whole thing here

Yes I know that Grams can multiply her love for grandkids... biological or not... But I didn't think I would feel so torn up over Aunt 'R' Who wrote in her blog today... I will quote from it as I don't really want to post a lot of personal things...
"While 'B' was in South Africa I got to feel “junior” kick. It was so amazing and filled my heart with joy. I can’t wait to meet this precious baby boy, only four more months! He is already stubborn. We were watching TV and the baby was kicking and jumping all around; we decided he already likes chocolate cake just like his mom! As soon as I put my hand on 'B'’s stomach he stopped. So I was patient and waiting and waiting for him to move at last he did. I can’t wait to hear this little one cry and one day say Aunt 'R'."

So how does this make me feel? She already is Aunt 'R' to my kids! She was there the day that Faith was born! She made it a point to come visit us here 2000 miles away from Grams (and her American home) at Christmas time! UGH!!! This is NOT the first that she will be an aunt (as a commenter implied)!

So now I wonder if I get to be an Aunt or not, do I even matter... or am I just the bum who moved in with the family in HS?

I wish I could say something... but I'm afraid that it would be taken the wrong way... I'm afraid that I would not say something in love, but in jealousy and that's not right.... so I will keep my mouth shut (well except for here, but this blog is for me ), continue with my plans to crochet 'B' a baby blanket and pray that I can get pregnant again soon (that has very little to do with 'B,' 'R' or with Grams, it's just when emotions are running that seems to surface ).

Again I say... UGH!!!

2009-1-8 A rough day

A rough day

on 01-08-2009 at 07:06 PM (80 Views)

I had a rough day today... rant... As I was getting ready to head out the door this morning for MOPS, I notice that DH had brought in the mail from yesterday, and wouldn't ya know a box of canned formula (two cans!) is sitting there. So I immediately decided that it was going to MOPS to see if anyone there would like it. I didn't think it would affect me today... then as I was doing some errands later I saw an ambulance and didn't think much of it at the time, but as we were coming home, the place where I saw the ambulance hit me like a ton of bricks! I recalled my whole ambulance ride on the night I m/ced and was in tears within a few blocks . It's so hard... so then I remembered the stupid formula... now I am so emotional. Yesterday was five months, and here I am on YET another AF (and HAVE to wait for yet another one!). I supposed to be about to have a baby!!! I'm supposed to not have to worry about IF I am going to need a different dress for my cousin's wedding...


On a better (bittersweet) note I took my first dose of soy for this cycle this morning... I am hoping that taking it a couple of days earlier in my cycle will help me to O earlier!

2008-12-17 Oops

Oops

on 12-17-2008 at 04:12 PM (128 Views)

So I am supposed to be on a wait cycle (or two) due to being in my cousin's wedding in early Sept. I am liking not having to worry about 'if I eat this, will it affect my O?' or POAS to find out when exactly I am Oing.

SO DH and DTD this morning (no BC protection) and I laid there with him for a few minutes (longer than normal) not even thinking about it... I don't usually O till CD 18ish (it's CD 12)... and then a few hours later, I took a shower and decided to check CP and CM (cleaning down there anyways). The CP was higher then I remember it ever being, it was so open that if I could have gotten my finger further up there, it would have gone into the uterus and as for soft, yes. As for CM I haven't ever looked at semen before, but I would have thought it had all leaked out by the time I took my shower and what I was pulling out and getting was very stretchy and egg white, VERY stretchy and egg white!!

So, oh crap, I don't know what to do if we actually caught that egg, if in fact it has released, or will soon. R's wedding is in 37.5 weeks (Sept 6), if we just conceived a due date would be 38 weeks from now (add two for the first half of a cycle and you get 40 weeks)... that's a little too close for comfort. One thing that is reassuring to me is that I don't have '40 week' babies. I have a 36 week baby and a 38 week baby (that would be Aug 12 and Aug 26 respectively).

So whatever happens, will happen... but oops!

2008-11-19 Thanksgiving ramblings

Thanksgiving ramblings

on 11-19-2008 at 11:13 PM (84 Views)

OK, I should have been on here longer ago then this... oh well...

I did finally email my 'sister,' though I am still coming to terms with the whole situation. I AM happy for her and my children are excited that Aunt B and Uncle W are going to have a baby. She did respond back that they just found out it's a boy! I had to laugh!! We grew up in a house of all women! The three of us even had our cycles in sync after a while. Our dog was a girl, the cats we had were girls... basically the only men in our lives are our current husbands. I got 'lucky' (unlucky? IDK) to have two girls (well three, but God's taking care of the one) so far. She said that she's not going to know what to do with herself taking care of a boy. What a chuckle!

I am having a hard time coming to grips with the fact that if this cycle is a bust, I wont be pg on Corine's due date... or Christmas for that matter. I was talking with Allison tonight at care group (small groups from church) about it and realized that if I do get pg this cycle, I would be 12 weeks that week of Jan 27th, that's when the whole ordeal with Corine started, so I would be a nervous wreck! Nervous wreck or mental breakdown that week, neither is going to be pleasant, though I think nerves can be calmed better than anything else I would think I will be going through.

There was a mom's night out this last weekend with MOPS. There were only three of us there, but that meant the conversation was more intimate. It was good. The other two gals prompted me to talk about Corine and her loss. It was helpful, that's not to say that I'm all better about things, that's a wound that will only heal in heaven, but it was good to talk about things, and fears, and hopes with those two women.

Thanksgiving is next Thursday (one week away). Thanksgiving plans include picking up my MIL from the train station this Saturday morning. She will be here for a week. We are going to do the whole meal thing for just the 5 of us... unless DH can convince someone else to come over... I am super excited, and DD doesn't have school all next week so that's just icing on the cake. DH is concerned about her political views vs ours and doesn't really want to bring the subject up, but thinking she might...

My sister R is 'home' from South Africa for a longer Christmas vacation than normal (she's a missionary there) and we spoke a few weeks ago about her coming out here, but she realized that the funds just weren't there to be able to do that. BUT she emailed me the other day to say that she 'found' some reward miles that she needs to use, and is rethinking about coming out! It would only be a couple of days, but how awesome is God that He had her find those miles to be able to use!!! I am still waiting on confirmation from her, but I'm still super excited! (can you tell ) So that would be the week after Thanksgiving (the first week in Dec).

My DD, Megan had a well check last week, since her birthday was a few weeks ago. The Dr checked things and was feeling her tummy and said that her liver and spleen feel enlarged... (I'm thinking 'and what does that mean??!!') Doc said that it's probably nothing, asked if she'd been sick (like I can remember, she always active), but he wants to get things checked out to be on the safe side. So he sends us up to the hospital for some blood work. My wonderful daughter was such a champ and gave them three vials of blood from her arm, without a peep! So the we have an appointment on wed the 2nd to follow up and to make sure that she's fine (at least that's my prayer).

So, as things get busier and busier I am consistently trying to remember how much God has blessed us and to keep my focus on HIM, and HE is still to be praised even if this cycle is a bust (please no) and I am not pg on Corine's due date.
OK I've rambled enough for one blog, good night ladies

2008-10-12 unmerited fears

unmerited fears

on 10-12-2008 at 02:10 PM (142 Views)

It’s 1:15 in the morning, so what the heck am I doing here (typed then, SC seems to have been down...)? Besides that fact that I cannot sleep due to whatever ailment I have (high temps with other things), I can’t sleep cause ‘B’ is pregnant. Don’t get me wrong I love ‘B’ and I am just tickled pink that she is expecting. Especially after the lovely note that she sent to us after the m/c, she said that beyond her fear of having children (in a foreign country no less) is the strength that God gives to know that things turn out the way He wants and she (and I) finds peace in that.

Now I know that I am probably the only one to ever read this, unless I show DH or some cyster happens upon it. So in that case I will explain slightly further who 'B' is, then maybe my fear and lack of sleep will be understood. (I have made a cup of ‘Sleepy Time’ tea though, so hopefully I will get some sleep tonight.)

‘B’ is “Aunt B” to my girls, her sister ‘R’ is “Aunt R” to my girls, and their mom is “Gram”... the problem is that I am not really their sister and their mom didn’t birth me, nor is their dad mine. See, I moved in with this wonderful family in High School, when I was having problems with my mom. It was the best move for me at the time, however it was extremely hard on both the girls, ‘B’ more then ‘R’. ‘N’ always accepted me as one of her own, but I always felt (and still do, maybe rightly so) that I would come second to her own children in certain cases. This being one of them. My problem isn’t with ‘B’s’ pregnancy, as I mentioned before, it this nagging feeling (certainly not from God!) that my children will become unimportant or second to ‘B’ and ‘W’s’ child. I guess I’m glad that I got a little more than four years of having her first ‘grandchildren.’ I don’t know I guess I’m feeling scared that we (meaning my children) wont get the love anymore that we have gotten in the past from ‘N’. I’m scared that when/if ‘B’ and ‘W’s’ ever come back to the US (that’s a big if) that travel to them will be more important than travel to us (heck, who am I kidding she hasn’t visited us yet... even though she wanted to this summer, but that fell through and she wanted to fly here in January when she found out there may be a problem with the baby, so I suppose she's not coming then either). I suppose I shouldn’t feel this way, I mean if Kitty Trout can have 11 kids and love multiplied for all of then, then surely love multiplies for grandkids the same way... but I’m not really ‘N’s’ daughter, ‘B’ is. I guess I just need to go to bed and get some sleep (darned hormones!). come to think of it, I don’t think I’ll show this to DH...

Good night

*** Comment***

Tristasmother - 10-12-2008 04:20 PM

Christina - I think we all go through something similar. It may not be for the same reasons, but we all have those irrational fears that can drive us crazy! I've been thinking about you! I know that your girls are great and that Gram will still love your girls.

We had some friends in Oklahoma, and I considered the Dad my "Oklahoma Daddy." (He brought me gas the one and only time I've ever run out.) When they found out we were expecting Trista, he said "Well, I thought I would only have 8 grandchildren, but now I'm going to have 9." That really made everything special to me. He died in a motorcycle accident about 2 1/2 weeks after Trista was born, but he loved her as much as his own grandchildren during the time he was with her.

Sorry, didn't mean for this to be so long. I just wanted to say that some people have more love to offer than we give them credit for.

2008-9-24 on a whim I took an OPK...

on a whim I took an OPK...

on 09-24-2008 at 10:20 PM (116 Views)

So... on a whim I took a OPK today and lo and behold it was +!!

Now this doesn't mean that I'm going to try for another baby just yet... I don't think there is enough lining there for implantation with all the bleeding and spotting I've had in the last 7 weeks... BUT it's a start and that would mean I am Oing all on my own!! yepee!! So, now I hope to get (a real) AF in two-ish weeks and then start trying again (providing I don't start spotting again)! I was just so excited!!

Sorry if you can't see it too well, but the front part of the test line is as dark as the control line...

Attached Images

• 0924 +opk zoom.jpg

2008-9-22 Autumn is here...

Autumn is here...

on 09-22-2008 at 06:22 PM (112 Views)

Nothing new here... it's DH birthday today (mine was Thursday), poor thing had to work last night and tonight, so he's slepping... this week is going to seem dull in comparison to eating out a lot for birthday dinners/ ice cream last week.

I was supposed to have training to be sub at DD's preschool this week, but work schedules won't allow for it... more like, DH has to sleep and I cannot be in two places at once.

I went through my kiddos clothing this morning/afternoon, changing things out for fall and what has gotten too small. What a chore!

I am still spotting on and off, and think of using the NPC that I have to jump start things... not sure though, but I have a day or two to decide...

2008-9-17 Tired of this

Tired of this

on 09-17-2008 at 11:14 AM (116 Views)

I suffered through miscarriage exactly 6 weeks ago! I though I'd be finished bleeding by now... I thought I'd be finished bleeding 3 weeks ago. I'm just so tired of thinking that I am finally done bleeding (one to two days of no spotting or anything) and then BAM there's something there on the liner in the morning, bright red... seeming to mock me. I had wanted to actually somewhat plan when my next baby was born... January was going to be an OK time, ideally I'd have a baby next June/July, that would even out our children's birthdays throughout the year... I still have a few weeks, but bleeding doesn't help my situation. I'm just ready to start TTC again, be pg again, and have another baby... I love my first two and they want another baby too... even DH was excited about the prospect of a new little one. What's wrong with me? I knew I just wanted to stay in bed this morning...
BLAH...