unmerited fears
on 10-12-2008 at 02:10 PM (142 Views)
It’s 1:15 in the morning, so what the heck am I doing here (typed then, SC seems to have been down...)? Besides that fact that I cannot sleep due to whatever ailment I have (high temps with other things), I can’t sleep cause ‘B’ is pregnant. Don’t get me wrong I love ‘B’ and I am just tickled pink that she is expecting. Especially after the lovely note that she sent to us after the m/c, she said that beyond her fear of having children (in a foreign country no less) is the strength that God gives to know that things turn out the way He wants and she (and I) finds peace in that.
Now I know that I am probably the only one to ever read this, unless I show DH or some cyster happens upon it. So in that case I will explain slightly further who 'B' is, then maybe my fear and lack of sleep will be understood. (I have made a cup of ‘Sleepy Time’ tea though, so hopefully I will get some sleep tonight.)
‘B’ is “Aunt B” to my girls, her sister ‘R’ is “Aunt R” to my girls, and their mom is “Gram”... the problem is that I am not really their sister and their mom didn’t birth me, nor is their dad mine. See, I moved in with this wonderful family in High School, when I was having problems with my mom. It was the best move for me at the time, however it was extremely hard on both the girls, ‘B’ more then ‘R’. ‘N’ always accepted me as one of her own, but I always felt (and still do, maybe rightly so) that I would come second to her own children in certain cases. This being one of them. My problem isn’t with ‘B’s’ pregnancy, as I mentioned before, it this nagging feeling (certainly not from God!) that my children will become unimportant or second to ‘B’ and ‘W’s’ child. I guess I’m glad that I got a little more than four years of having her first ‘grandchildren.’ I don’t know I guess I’m feeling scared that we (meaning my children) wont get the love anymore that we have gotten in the past from ‘N’. I’m scared that when/if ‘B’ and ‘W’s’ ever come back to the US (that’s a big if) that travel to them will be more important than travel to us (heck, who am I kidding she hasn’t visited us yet... even though she wanted to this summer, but that fell through and she wanted to fly here in January when she found out there may be a problem with the baby, so I suppose she's not coming then either). I suppose I shouldn’t feel this way, I mean if Kitty Trout can have 11 kids and love multiplied for all of then, then surely love multiplies for grandkids the same way... but I’m not really ‘N’s’ daughter, ‘B’ is. I guess I just need to go to bed and get some sleep (darned hormones!). come to think of it, I don’t think I’ll show this to DH...
Good night
*** Comment***Christina - I think we all go through something similar. It may not be for the same reasons, but we all have those irrational fears that can drive us crazy! I've been thinking about you! I know that your girls are great and that Gram will still love your girls.
We had some friends in Oklahoma, and I considered the Dad my "Oklahoma Daddy." (He brought me gas the one and only time I've ever run out.) When they found out we were expecting Trista, he said "Well, I thought I would only have 8 grandchildren, but now I'm going to have 9." That really made everything special to me. He died in a motorcycle accident about 2 1/2 weeks after Trista was born, but he loved her as much as his own grandchildren during the time he was with her.
Sorry, didn't mean for this to be so long.I just wanted to say that some people have more love to offer than we give them credit for.
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