Black Sheep

So I am interrupting my transferring of posts from SC for the reason i have a personal blog...


Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

i HATE how some how my pitiful little family have become the Black sheep of the Smith clan!!!! Kim posted on her FB account that she got some disheartening news about a family member.... I put something on there about praying for them... she IM'ed me later (I was on the wii at the time so I don't really see it) that it's about Grandpa Smith...

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

So HOW COME i don't have any clue what's going on?!? No call from Dad... all day. No call from anyone else. No emails. NOTHING

IT IS SO FRUSTRATING!!! and yes I intended that to be all caps!

GGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

I can't exactly ask her what has happened on her post.... I can't be rude and put in my status (like I would love to) "Would someone care to full me in on what has happened with my Grandpa!" or "I hate being left in the dark about things" (hmm maybe i can use that one) or something about being the black sheep of the family... cause I am sure they would all deny it!

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

I don't think my rant is over yet.... but I need to get some other things done and get to bed on time tonight, work is EARLY!!! and it's pretty slick outside :( (and I am missing MOPS beside)

ETA: rachel to be calling

2009-1-18 Sweet Sundays

Sweet Sundays

on 01-18-2009 at 11:05 PM (70 Views)

I wrote a blog last week in my Family blog that I titled “Sweet Sundays” and thought I’d do another one, but didn’t want to have two posts with the same name right in a row ( haven’t posted since then), and this one is focused mainly on my sweet Corine that we lost (and Heaven gained) at 15 weeks gestation back in Aug. So I decided that this one would go here... and with that...

So our pastor today was talking about the Tower of Babel (Gen 11:1-9). About how when God dispersed everyone and confused their language, that it was what is called a ‘common grace.’ A common grace is defined as: “The Grace of God by which He gives innumerable blessings that are not part of salvation.” And he gave examples of his own life, one where he played chicken (as a kid) and didn’t get hurt or in trouble. Then he gave examples of things he’s seen... a child at church, who is just precious, and is loved so much by everyone, his little life is a common grace. And a young woman who battling cancer, and is about have the ultimate glorification (death) and how she can still praise God and her life is a common grace. So I was thinking of... what else? The m/c... and how it was God’s common grace that we were in a church that cares about us as a family (and not as a number) and is thoughtful enough to come out and tell us that there are others who have lost a child (this is hard to tell someone...). It was God’s common grace that I have been so involved in MOPS, and that they were willing to help in whatever way. It was God’s common grace that one of the paramedics used to live in this house (how crazy is that?). It was God’s common grace that we are at our hospital, not the one that the Ambulance drivers don’t like to drive to . It was God’s common grace that Jenn (and her husband) was home and that she was able to come over so quickly to take care of the girls. I’m sure that there are so many more that I am going to think of over the next week and a half... that’s how long it is till my EDD with Corine... but I think that is enough for right now. I am sure that I would actually have her in my arms now (had things not gone the way they did) because of the way the weather has been around here lately. I miss my baby!

2009-1-12 Unmerited fears ... continued...

Unmerited fears ... continued...

on 01-12-2009 at 11:00 PM (95 Views)

So, I was reading my 'sister's blog today and decided that I really shouldn't comment there... or on my family blog, so here I am...

First off this has to with the blog I wrote a couple of months back... you can read the whole thing here

Yes I know that Grams can multiply her love for grandkids... biological or not... But I didn't think I would feel so torn up over Aunt 'R' Who wrote in her blog today... I will quote from it as I don't really want to post a lot of personal things...
"While 'B' was in South Africa I got to feel “junior” kick. It was so amazing and filled my heart with joy. I can’t wait to meet this precious baby boy, only four more months! He is already stubborn. We were watching TV and the baby was kicking and jumping all around; we decided he already likes chocolate cake just like his mom! As soon as I put my hand on 'B'’s stomach he stopped. So I was patient and waiting and waiting for him to move at last he did. I can’t wait to hear this little one cry and one day say Aunt 'R'."

So how does this make me feel? She already is Aunt 'R' to my kids! She was there the day that Faith was born! She made it a point to come visit us here 2000 miles away from Grams (and her American home) at Christmas time! UGH!!! This is NOT the first that she will be an aunt (as a commenter implied)!

So now I wonder if I get to be an Aunt or not, do I even matter... or am I just the bum who moved in with the family in HS?

I wish I could say something... but I'm afraid that it would be taken the wrong way... I'm afraid that I would not say something in love, but in jealousy and that's not right.... so I will keep my mouth shut (well except for here, but this blog is for me ), continue with my plans to crochet 'B' a baby blanket and pray that I can get pregnant again soon (that has very little to do with 'B,' 'R' or with Grams, it's just when emotions are running that seems to surface ).

Again I say... UGH!!!

2009-1-8 A rough day

A rough day

on 01-08-2009 at 07:06 PM (80 Views)

I had a rough day today... rant... As I was getting ready to head out the door this morning for MOPS, I notice that DH had brought in the mail from yesterday, and wouldn't ya know a box of canned formula (two cans!) is sitting there. So I immediately decided that it was going to MOPS to see if anyone there would like it. I didn't think it would affect me today... then as I was doing some errands later I saw an ambulance and didn't think much of it at the time, but as we were coming home, the place where I saw the ambulance hit me like a ton of bricks! I recalled my whole ambulance ride on the night I m/ced and was in tears within a few blocks . It's so hard... so then I remembered the stupid formula... now I am so emotional. Yesterday was five months, and here I am on YET another AF (and HAVE to wait for yet another one!). I supposed to be about to have a baby!!! I'm supposed to not have to worry about IF I am going to need a different dress for my cousin's wedding...


On a better (bittersweet) note I took my first dose of soy for this cycle this morning... I am hoping that taking it a couple of days earlier in my cycle will help me to O earlier!

2008-12-17 Oops

Oops

on 12-17-2008 at 04:12 PM (128 Views)

So I am supposed to be on a wait cycle (or two) due to being in my cousin's wedding in early Sept. I am liking not having to worry about 'if I eat this, will it affect my O?' or POAS to find out when exactly I am Oing.

SO DH and DTD this morning (no BC protection) and I laid there with him for a few minutes (longer than normal) not even thinking about it... I don't usually O till CD 18ish (it's CD 12)... and then a few hours later, I took a shower and decided to check CP and CM (cleaning down there anyways). The CP was higher then I remember it ever being, it was so open that if I could have gotten my finger further up there, it would have gone into the uterus and as for soft, yes. As for CM I haven't ever looked at semen before, but I would have thought it had all leaked out by the time I took my shower and what I was pulling out and getting was very stretchy and egg white, VERY stretchy and egg white!!

So, oh crap, I don't know what to do if we actually caught that egg, if in fact it has released, or will soon. R's wedding is in 37.5 weeks (Sept 6), if we just conceived a due date would be 38 weeks from now (add two for the first half of a cycle and you get 40 weeks)... that's a little too close for comfort. One thing that is reassuring to me is that I don't have '40 week' babies. I have a 36 week baby and a 38 week baby (that would be Aug 12 and Aug 26 respectively).

So whatever happens, will happen... but oops!

2008-11-19 Thanksgiving ramblings

Thanksgiving ramblings

on 11-19-2008 at 11:13 PM (84 Views)

OK, I should have been on here longer ago then this... oh well...

I did finally email my 'sister,' though I am still coming to terms with the whole situation. I AM happy for her and my children are excited that Aunt B and Uncle W are going to have a baby. She did respond back that they just found out it's a boy! I had to laugh!! We grew up in a house of all women! The three of us even had our cycles in sync after a while. Our dog was a girl, the cats we had were girls... basically the only men in our lives are our current husbands. I got 'lucky' (unlucky? IDK) to have two girls (well three, but God's taking care of the one) so far. She said that she's not going to know what to do with herself taking care of a boy. What a chuckle!

I am having a hard time coming to grips with the fact that if this cycle is a bust, I wont be pg on Corine's due date... or Christmas for that matter. I was talking with Allison tonight at care group (small groups from church) about it and realized that if I do get pg this cycle, I would be 12 weeks that week of Jan 27th, that's when the whole ordeal with Corine started, so I would be a nervous wreck! Nervous wreck or mental breakdown that week, neither is going to be pleasant, though I think nerves can be calmed better than anything else I would think I will be going through.

There was a mom's night out this last weekend with MOPS. There were only three of us there, but that meant the conversation was more intimate. It was good. The other two gals prompted me to talk about Corine and her loss. It was helpful, that's not to say that I'm all better about things, that's a wound that will only heal in heaven, but it was good to talk about things, and fears, and hopes with those two women.

Thanksgiving is next Thursday (one week away). Thanksgiving plans include picking up my MIL from the train station this Saturday morning. She will be here for a week. We are going to do the whole meal thing for just the 5 of us... unless DH can convince someone else to come over... I am super excited, and DD doesn't have school all next week so that's just icing on the cake. DH is concerned about her political views vs ours and doesn't really want to bring the subject up, but thinking she might...

My sister R is 'home' from South Africa for a longer Christmas vacation than normal (she's a missionary there) and we spoke a few weeks ago about her coming out here, but she realized that the funds just weren't there to be able to do that. BUT she emailed me the other day to say that she 'found' some reward miles that she needs to use, and is rethinking about coming out! It would only be a couple of days, but how awesome is God that He had her find those miles to be able to use!!! I am still waiting on confirmation from her, but I'm still super excited! (can you tell ) So that would be the week after Thanksgiving (the first week in Dec).

My DD, Megan had a well check last week, since her birthday was a few weeks ago. The Dr checked things and was feeling her tummy and said that her liver and spleen feel enlarged... (I'm thinking 'and what does that mean??!!') Doc said that it's probably nothing, asked if she'd been sick (like I can remember, she always active), but he wants to get things checked out to be on the safe side. So he sends us up to the hospital for some blood work. My wonderful daughter was such a champ and gave them three vials of blood from her arm, without a peep! So the we have an appointment on wed the 2nd to follow up and to make sure that she's fine (at least that's my prayer).

So, as things get busier and busier I am consistently trying to remember how much God has blessed us and to keep my focus on HIM, and HE is still to be praised even if this cycle is a bust (please no) and I am not pg on Corine's due date.
OK I've rambled enough for one blog, good night ladies

2008-10-12 unmerited fears

unmerited fears

on 10-12-2008 at 02:10 PM (142 Views)

It’s 1:15 in the morning, so what the heck am I doing here (typed then, SC seems to have been down...)? Besides that fact that I cannot sleep due to whatever ailment I have (high temps with other things), I can’t sleep cause ‘B’ is pregnant. Don’t get me wrong I love ‘B’ and I am just tickled pink that she is expecting. Especially after the lovely note that she sent to us after the m/c, she said that beyond her fear of having children (in a foreign country no less) is the strength that God gives to know that things turn out the way He wants and she (and I) finds peace in that.

Now I know that I am probably the only one to ever read this, unless I show DH or some cyster happens upon it. So in that case I will explain slightly further who 'B' is, then maybe my fear and lack of sleep will be understood. (I have made a cup of ‘Sleepy Time’ tea though, so hopefully I will get some sleep tonight.)

‘B’ is “Aunt B” to my girls, her sister ‘R’ is “Aunt R” to my girls, and their mom is “Gram”... the problem is that I am not really their sister and their mom didn’t birth me, nor is their dad mine. See, I moved in with this wonderful family in High School, when I was having problems with my mom. It was the best move for me at the time, however it was extremely hard on both the girls, ‘B’ more then ‘R’. ‘N’ always accepted me as one of her own, but I always felt (and still do, maybe rightly so) that I would come second to her own children in certain cases. This being one of them. My problem isn’t with ‘B’s’ pregnancy, as I mentioned before, it this nagging feeling (certainly not from God!) that my children will become unimportant or second to ‘B’ and ‘W’s’ child. I guess I’m glad that I got a little more than four years of having her first ‘grandchildren.’ I don’t know I guess I’m feeling scared that we (meaning my children) wont get the love anymore that we have gotten in the past from ‘N’. I’m scared that when/if ‘B’ and ‘W’s’ ever come back to the US (that’s a big if) that travel to them will be more important than travel to us (heck, who am I kidding she hasn’t visited us yet... even though she wanted to this summer, but that fell through and she wanted to fly here in January when she found out there may be a problem with the baby, so I suppose she's not coming then either). I suppose I shouldn’t feel this way, I mean if Kitty Trout can have 11 kids and love multiplied for all of then, then surely love multiplies for grandkids the same way... but I’m not really ‘N’s’ daughter, ‘B’ is. I guess I just need to go to bed and get some sleep (darned hormones!). come to think of it, I don’t think I’ll show this to DH...

Good night

*** Comment***

Tristasmother - 10-12-2008 04:20 PM

Christina - I think we all go through something similar. It may not be for the same reasons, but we all have those irrational fears that can drive us crazy! I've been thinking about you! I know that your girls are great and that Gram will still love your girls.

We had some friends in Oklahoma, and I considered the Dad my "Oklahoma Daddy." (He brought me gas the one and only time I've ever run out.) When they found out we were expecting Trista, he said "Well, I thought I would only have 8 grandchildren, but now I'm going to have 9." That really made everything special to me. He died in a motorcycle accident about 2 1/2 weeks after Trista was born, but he loved her as much as his own grandchildren during the time he was with her.

Sorry, didn't mean for this to be so long. I just wanted to say that some people have more love to offer than we give them credit for.

2008-9-24 on a whim I took an OPK...

on a whim I took an OPK...

on 09-24-2008 at 10:20 PM (116 Views)

So... on a whim I took a OPK today and lo and behold it was +!!

Now this doesn't mean that I'm going to try for another baby just yet... I don't think there is enough lining there for implantation with all the bleeding and spotting I've had in the last 7 weeks... BUT it's a start and that would mean I am Oing all on my own!! yepee!! So, now I hope to get (a real) AF in two-ish weeks and then start trying again (providing I don't start spotting again)! I was just so excited!!

Sorry if you can't see it too well, but the front part of the test line is as dark as the control line...

Attached Images

• 0924 +opk zoom.jpg

2008-9-22 Autumn is here...

Autumn is here...

on 09-22-2008 at 06:22 PM (112 Views)

Nothing new here... it's DH birthday today (mine was Thursday), poor thing had to work last night and tonight, so he's slepping... this week is going to seem dull in comparison to eating out a lot for birthday dinners/ ice cream last week.

I was supposed to have training to be sub at DD's preschool this week, but work schedules won't allow for it... more like, DH has to sleep and I cannot be in two places at once.

I went through my kiddos clothing this morning/afternoon, changing things out for fall and what has gotten too small. What a chore!

I am still spotting on and off, and think of using the NPC that I have to jump start things... not sure though, but I have a day or two to decide...

2008-9-17 Tired of this

Tired of this

on 09-17-2008 at 11:14 AM (116 Views)

I suffered through miscarriage exactly 6 weeks ago! I though I'd be finished bleeding by now... I thought I'd be finished bleeding 3 weeks ago. I'm just so tired of thinking that I am finally done bleeding (one to two days of no spotting or anything) and then BAM there's something there on the liner in the morning, bright red... seeming to mock me. I had wanted to actually somewhat plan when my next baby was born... January was going to be an OK time, ideally I'd have a baby next June/July, that would even out our children's birthdays throughout the year... I still have a few weeks, but bleeding doesn't help my situation. I'm just ready to start TTC again, be pg again, and have another baby... I love my first two and they want another baby too... even DH was excited about the prospect of a new little one. What's wrong with me? I knew I just wanted to stay in bed this morning...
BLAH...

2008-8-31 Memorial and other items

Memorial and other items

on 08-31-2008 at 10:40 PM (132 Views)

Well today we had a memorial service for Corine. This was mostly at the suggestion of our pastors, it was good though! Our associate pastor did most of it, Steve said a few words, and we listened to Mercy Me's song "Homesick" and sang "It is well with my Soul" It was a good chance for closure. Our friends the Arther's were there, as well as a couple of women from my MOPS group. I wanted to read a poem I found here (on the PCOS sight), but I can't even get through it silently without tears.. I can't imagine what it would have been like out loud in front of people... I've posted it on my Facebook, maybe I'll post it in MySpace too and re-post it here:

HEAVEN'S NURSERY
By Rebekah Milne, Mildura, SA, Australia,
written after her own miscarriage.

In Heaven there must surely be
A special place, a nursery
Where 'little spirits' not fully grown
Go to live in their Heavenly home.

The angels must attend with love
Tiny spirits on wings of doves,
The choir of angels must sing lullabies
Maybe quieten their tiny cries.

The Father must come by each day
To cuddle and play in a special way
These tiny spirits left earth too soon
Little ones called Home from the womb.

These sparks of life did not perish
But came to the Father's love to cherish,
To grow and be taught in His own arms
Safely away from all earthly harm.

The comforter was sent to earth at once
To the parents who lost their little one
Their hearts so ache, t heir arms feel empty
The question 'why' seems so tempting.

Then all at once in the midst of tears
There comes a peace that stills the fears
The parents share the Father's own need
To hold their tiny spirit being.

They relinquish their own desperate hold
And release their baby to the Father's fold,
Then comes an angel to whisper the truth
Of a nursery in Heaven bearing rich fruit

Of tiny spirits chosen to worship the Father
A place that couldn't be filled by another,
Called to be spared from the struggles of earth,
Chosen to be one of Heaven's births.

So Father, whisper words of love from me
To our unborn 'life' in your nursery


As for the other items...
-My first two HCG #'s have come back. The 15th it was 373. The 22nd it was 111. I searched online (as I shouldn't have...) and with those two #'s the half life is four days.... at that rate I won't have a 'negative' number till mid Sept. BUT I don't have the # from this week yet.

-...though when I do get the # from the 29th, I think I need to ask about the bleeding which has picked up a bit in the last couple of days. *sigh* My body definitely does not need to work all week again. ... I digress

-Faith has started Head Start preschool. She just loves it! Megan on the other hand 'misses her sister' (for the first five minutes)

-My dad called today saying that he's coming out for Megan's birthday (end of Oct). It's always so awkward when he comes, I feel like we don't have enough activities for him to do and I fell like he gets bored.

2008-8-15 with CVS results comes relief

with CVS results comes relief

on 08-15-2008 at 01:53 PM (143 Views)

I just got the results from the CVS that we did a week before the MC...I am flabbergasted!!! Corine had NO genetic abnormalities! She was fine, it was just the placenta and the umbilical cord that were not normal (according to the Doc last week), which the high risk doctor said would have been the case with her cystic hygroma, he also said that this means that the next time the likelihood of this happening again is very low. So I have some closure, but also some confusion... BUT my pastor's wife said that it is great, because then the next time we get pg, it wont be automatically labeled high risk... yea, I would just have to have an U/S at about 12 weeks to make sure everything is fine. WOW I do feel a sense of relief, like a weight has been lifted and I can breath again, I'm confused, but relieved.

Also I had my follow-up doc apt today, things seem good (I can't say look 'cause she didn't look). I just have to have HCG tested every week till it "drops to negative"

2008-8-7 "it is well with my soul"

"it is well with my soul"

on 08-07-2008 at 09:07 AM (349 Views)

Well, we lost the baby...

Yesterday (8-6-08) I started cramping, I didn't think it was too bad at first. After spending the day doing some grocery shopping, I laid down and had something to eat and some water, and still didn't feel better. We called the OB and they just said to rest, and put me on pelvic rest (no biggie). Then I felt I had to go to the bathroom... ******graphic details to follow******** it felt like an explosion out of my middle, I felt a little better, but the cramping still didn't go away... a few minutes later, I felt gushing... so I ran to the bathroom, and it was blood... I was actually starting to pass the baby. Dear sweet Hubby called 911 (for the first time ever) and we waited (the baby came out completely at home)... they got here and loaded me into the ambulance and we headed to the hospital... DH had also called the OB back, so everyone was well informed... we got to the ER (DH drove separately) and things happened pretty quickly... then not so quickly... a doc from the OB came in (one we hadn't met yet) and was SOOO compassionate! They were telling us that I might need to go to the OR to have an evacuation (D&E) done, but the wonderful doc poked and prodded around down there and I finally expelled the placenta... after that I had to wait around half the night for some IV fluids and potassium (apparently I was low) to get into me. ***end of graphicness***********

- they let us spend some time with the baby, and it was confirmed that it was a little girl... we gave her the name Corine Stephanie... It's my middle name and the fem. version of DH name (I took a page from Taylor) but we thought it fitting. The hosp also let us have a picture of her (and gave us a pamphlet on loss and grieving)

- the doc was looking at the placenta and the umbilical cord and she said that with out a doubt, she is certain, that this would have happened, regardless of what we did last week (CVS), anything we've done in the last 15 weeks, or anything that we would have done future, she said that the cord and the placenta just didn't look right, the baby was definately sick. That was reassuring, in the midst of everything. We are STILL waiting for the results from the CVS to tell us for sure.

- DH told our DD's that the baby went to heaven to be with Jesus. And apparently later, my tenderhearted Faith (age 4) told my mom that the baby went to be with Jesus. They knew that she was sick, but they didn't know that the baby was a girl. Faith still asked me this AM if the baby was sick, so I re-explained that the baby was sick, but went to be with Jesus instead. **update** The CVS came back 'all normal' which means that it was just her placenta and cord that were the 'problem'. I am thinking that incompetent cervix had something to do with it too...**

-finally while we were waiting there, the song "It is well with my Soul" came to mind, we needed some help from my MIL for finding all the lyrics (with no comp available), it was good...

*** 2011 transfer** I think it's fitting for this post to include the comments that this one got, so here goes:

1. Erin H - 08-07-2008 09:59 AM

   Christina honey I am so very sorry for your loss. You and your family are in my prayers. If there is anything I could do for you I will.
2. 
   Tristasmother - 08-07-2008 10:34 AM

   Praying for you, Christina!
3. 
   stillhoping08 - 08-07-2008 10:35 AM

   i'm so sorry. i'm thinking and praying for you and your family during this time, and please know that sweet Corine Stephanie will NEVER be forgotten. take comfort that she is with her Maker and is so loved. you're a great woman, and i hope you find peace in these next few months.
4. 
   cmhudson07 - 08-07-2008 06:19 PM

   Oh, Sweetie! (((Hugs))) Know that you're in my thoughts and prayers.
5. 
   unctoothlady - 08-07-2008 06:57 PM

   I am so sorry about what you are going through. "It is well with my soul" is one of my absolute favorite hymns. And is so fitting. I will keep you in my prayers.
6. 
   retzhappymom - 08-07-2008 10:29 PM

   Christina - You and your family are in my prayers and thoughts.
7. 
   sammy413 - 08-08-2008 09:31 AM

   I'm so sorry that you lost the baby. My thoughts and prayers are with you, your family and your little girl. The good news is she can live again with Jesus and you will see her one day. God Bless you.
   S
8. 
   tazz - 08-13-2008 11:50 PM

   I am so sorry for you loss. That is such a fitting hymn. Just remember she's waiting for you in Heaven and when the time is right you will see your angel again.
9. 
   luvkeisha22 - 08-19-2008 11:55 AM

   I am sorry for your loss! I am praying for you and your family as I am typing this. Be encouraged and strengthened.
   
   Love,
   Keisha

phew...

I did not know how gut wrenching this process would be ...maybe it's the time of night, but I know what the next post is without even looking ahead... It's just so hard to relive that time period. ~K on word!

2008-7-30 U/S update

U/S update

on 07-30-2008 at 03:01 PM (131 Views)

Well we had our U/S in Johnstown (1 hour away)... the cystic hygroma (CH) is indeed there... on the attached picture you can see a black spot (fluid) right under the neck outlined by the white line (skin), that's where and what it is. The Dr. that we went to is really nice and compassionate. We went ahead and did CVS right there, we will hear results (from the Doc personally). I will tell you what he said... it sounds pretty grim (from a parents standpoint)... He said that finding a CH this early in the pg means that more then likely there is a chromosomal problem, the two that he said were Down Syndrome and Turner Syndrome (where there is only one X chromosome, instead of XX or XY), but we wont find out for two weeks.

I'll be completely honest, I'm scared to raise a child with special needs... and cannot seem to grasp that concept. I'm afraid of having to drive an hour to deliver the baby (if it comes to that), and of the possibility of a c-section. I'm afraid of numerous surgeries that special needs babies undergo. I know God doesn't make mistakes, this baby is exactly the way God wants it to be, but I'm scared!

Attached Images

• 0729 ultrasound resize.jpg

2008-7-24 Scared...

Scared...

on 07-24-2008 at 12:06 PM (177 Views)

I just got home from a regular Dr apt. all the Dr did was check my ankles (for swelling), checked the uterus, and listened to the HB (in the 150's). Then he lowered the boom.... he asked if the U/S tech had said anything to us while we were there last week, we said 'no' ...then he said that it looks like there might be a 'cystic hygroma' at the base of the neck... but to be absolutely sure, he is going to sent me to another town (45min away) to get a better U/S (yet to be scheduled!... but they are calling me this time)

To make a long explanation short, it could be nothing and it could be a death sentence. The best info I could find, that backs what the Dr said is here: http://www.genetics.emory.edu/pdf/Em...ic_Hygroma.PDF
it's a good short informative read.

Please pray for my baby!!

UPDATE: My U/S is scheduled for Tuesday at 3:00 (EST)... on the positive side, I get to have another U/S (it could be possible to see the sex of the baby).

I have been thinking about another woman from here who's baby had trisomy 13 (stapes: http://tstapes.blogspot.com/) and I've decided that the ONLY thing I ...we can do is to give this baby... this whole situation, back to God... He has made this baby perfectly the way he/she is suppose to be and I find comfort in that


PS I took a belly shot the other day, but I still have to get it off the camera...

2008-7-18 growing baby

growing baby

on 07-18-2008 at 07:38 PM (167 Views)

Yep, that what we have, a growing wiggly baby with a heartbeat (162?)! yepee! It looks like the baby is right on schedule with my LMP (not with when I O'd) so officially my due date is Jan 27th. As promised here a the pictures from today...

Attached Images

• 0718 ultrasound2.jpg (68.9 KB, 22 views)

2008-7-17 ultrasound in the morning :)

ultrasound in the morning :)

on 07-17-2008 at 10:48 PM (70 Views)

My first U/S is in the morning, I have to have full bladder (YUCK) and I have just today started getting nervous about it, how funny is that? I can go for 9 weeks (give or take) not worrying about too much with this baby and then all of a sudden the thought of seeing it, the HB and all that are making me nervous. Oh well... I will post a picture here (if I get one) yepee! I also realized today that my 2nd mom (Nancy and her girls, the family that I lived with in HS) doesn't even know yet... oops, maybe I'll have a picture to email them...

I'm still upset about how it was scheduled and the circumstances surrounding that ordeal. But I'm excited to get to see the baby... I've had people asking me already if we know the gender... I always say that it's still too early and we wont know till Sept (that's when my 20w super U/S is supposed to be)... I just can't believe that people (my dad namely) would think that (but he's kinda been out of the loop for about 3 decades...lol)

Oh well, I should sleep... I'll post tomorrow

2008-7-13 Belly pic and a rant about my camera

Belly pic and a rant about my camera

on 07-13-2008 at 11:08 PM (123 Views)

So I finally took my first belly shot at (according to FF) 11w3d.... attached below I am feeling SO huge already... but I am realizing that I am SOOOOO frustrated at Canon (the company that made my camera)... the story... when we got it I was so happy to get a digital camera!!!! we immediately took it out and started playing... well within just a few minutes the "low battery" light was flashing and the camera turned itself off. We found some NEW batteries and that same thing happened within a FEW minutes. Thinking and KNOWING this shouldn't happen we contacted Cannon to get the problem fixed (it was under warranty, since it was brand new). When we got the camera back after two months, IT DID THE SAME THING!!!! So we got really upset with Canon and sent it back again! By this time we had missed taking (digital) pics of our last outing to the Grand Canyon, our move accross the country, my cousin Jonathan's wedding, ad numerous 'cute' moments that our girls have... so after we got the camera back from Canon the second time, we noticed some improvement... we could use the thing without having to change the batteries every two minutes! We have also bought some GOOD rechargeable batteries and have been using those exclusively for the camera.
Tonight when going to take my lovely belly shot, I turn on the camera and get denied, it turned off... so I think "ok, I'll put the backup set of batteries in and charge these ones...." well my backups are lost... i try a NEW set that I bought for the trip last week... DENIED, they didn't even want to take ONE picture. So I go looking for the cheap rechargeables that we have... DENIED AGAIN! I am not having any luck! So I finally go to our battery box and find that we only have two AA batteries (just what I need), test then to see if they are any good, they are, so finally I have something to use while my regular batteries recharge BUT come on... I would love to send this camera back to Canon and give them a piece of my mind ('but it's not in warranty anymore'... can you hear the sarcasm??)
Well I should go to bed...


Update: DH sent an email to Canon (unbeknownst to me) telling them of our ongoing problem... long story short... the problem isn't just our particular camera, it's the model of camera, and we are eligible to send it back again!! yepee!

Updated 07-21-2008 at 09:02 PM

2008-7-6 Weekend

Weekend

on 07-06-2008 at 10:33 PM (74 Views)

Well, we (That's DH, Faith, Megan and I) went to Ohio on Friday. My cousin Kim was getting married on Saturday!
When we got there, we called my uncle to see where we might view some fireworks. He finally called back (after we had put the girls to bed - though they were not asleep), he told us that we could see some at his house. So we headed over there. Then we find out that they have the 'illegal' kind that they were going to set off in the front yard lol (they have been doing this for some years... as well as neighbors and others around the area) I got some good pictures though of the fireworks that were literally right over my head! Then, as if the girls hadn't been up long enough, we went into the back yard for some refreshments. After a while the guys (and my children) were kicked out of the gazebo and Kim and her bridesmaids (along with my Aunt Jan, my other cousin Rachel, and I) had a small bachelorette party. It was fun!
Saturday we went to lunch at Chick-fil-A. Oh, how I miss the food, miss working there, miss the atmosphere... *sigh* It was GOOD food though!! Then we headed to Kim and Michael's wedding. It was beautiful! I did manage to get some good pictures of it. The reception went well too (complete with lots of pictures). The girls had an absolute blast! (...and stayed up way too late again)
This morning, my Aunt and Uncle hosted a breakfast for close friends and family that were still in town. Oh, breakfast was so good! And it was good to see some people one last time before we headed home.
I have a headache now, from traveling, so I'm going to try to alleviate it.

2008-7-1 Ultrasound...

Ultrasound...

on 07-01-2008 at 11:28 PM (120 Views)

OK so I finally called the scheduling place at the hospital that does the ultrasounds. I had waited to make sure of when I worked this week, so that I could know when to say I needed it... Well when I called, she just said "OK I have you down for Friday July 18 at 11am" That was it, no "when do you need it?" or even "is that all right?" or even a "how far along do you think you are?" (so as to not schedule this 'dating' U/S too late). Nope it's just scheduled when it is and I have nothing to say about it!!
Needless to say, I'm pretty upset! I was told that I needed this U/S this week to date the little guy (or girl), I'm thinking that in three weeks time it will a moot point! I will be 12 weeks by then and I have another Dr apt on the 24th (not even a week later!). GEEEERRRRRR I'm anxious to see my little one and this is not helping. I'm so jealous of all the women I read about who see RE's and get U/S about every other week (or so) and I'm jealous of even my previous pregnancy's, it seemed routine to do an U/S to date the pg right off the bat. It just upsets me... plus I HAVE to have a full bladder, does that mean that they plan to it vaginally or on top, I can't remember!
OOOOHHHH, I just want to scream!!!! But if I did I would wake my children lol, so I won't...
maybe Suz from the TTC board has heard about her beta results... I'm going to check...

2008-6-29 More birds

More birds

on 06-29-2008 at 10:00 PM (70 Views)

So, today as we were coming home from church my DH was entering our indoor porch area and as he's opening the door a bird is trying to fly out... the birds can get into the porch area through a little gap that is between the wall and the roof (it's a strange set up, but we rent so I don't worry about it). Well sometimes the birds get back out the same way, sometimes they fly out the door (if it's open). Well, as DH is trying to go into the porch as bird is startled and flies into the sliding glass door next to the door and it stunned senseless. My poor DH, picked up the poor thing and brought it into the house to try to 'nurse' back to health. i actually though that it was going to pull through for a little while, but it did die. DH feels guilty, I just feel sad for my girls who think that they will be able to play with it (still, even after knowing that it's dead). Oh well.... summer is full of nature and it can be overwhelming at times.

2008 -6-28 First entry and about Doc apts this week

First entry and about Doc apts this week

on 06-28-2008 at 05:42 PM (67 Views)

I have decided that I will try this to have somewhat of a 'history' of this pregnancy.

This is what I posted on Wed. June 25:
Found out today that my doc apt tomorrow doesn't have an U/S planned , but will probably do one to 'date' the pg in about a week (on a side note, as we were discussing it today, my edd came up as anywhere from Jan 27 to Feb 1, but I'll stick with the 30th for now, that's what FF has)... and for my level 2 u/s at 18-20 weeks, I will have to drive to a different hospital about 45 min away (due to some family history of mild spina bifida). That's about it from today's appointment, that and lots of paper work and questions... about family history and such...

On Thursday I had another Doc apt. This one was a more 'normal' first Dr apt in pg. They did all sorts of cultures and a pap smear. Then the midwife did a feeling of my uterus and said that it felt like I was 10 weeks, at this point the furtherest I could have been was 9 weeks, this is starting to 'scare' me because i have never been in maternity clothing so soon (it's soooo comfy), yeah I've never started showing this soon I'm not big I just look like I've had too much to eat Also I've never been so tired as I am this pregnancy. So yeah, it's starting to worry me a bit, cause twins have always scared me (an excited sort of scared...), but on the other hand it could just mean that there is a little boy in there and that would be great!

HAHA... one more thing I HAVE to add today! This morning we had to go pick up our Angel Food box (http://www.angelfoodministries.com/) and as I'm headed out the door, a bird flies into my house lol. I saw that it went behind our couch, but I couldn't find it and I needed to go. So I let my husband know and we left. After we got home, DH says that he knows that it's still in the house, but can't find it either, but heard it flutter at one point. Later our girls were in the living room and started screaming, DH tells them to calm down... finds the bird behind our DVD's, manages to 'catch' it and sends it on it's way outside. It was a funny ordeal today.

I honestly don't expect to post much, but I hope to at least once a week (that will be much easier as things get rolling)

Huzzah... now we are in for a long couple of days!

I just saw on another SC's friends FB that SC is back!!! Yea! Now for the daunting task of transferring older blog posts from there to here...

Edit to add.... SC is running unbelievably slow! I hope I can get all the posts off there!

Feelngs...all alone in the moonlight...

Yeah, all alone.

That is exactly how I feel a lot lately.

I wrote a post about feeling the need for a BFF on SC a while back, so I wont repeat myself here (especially since I am hopeful that SC will come back online at some point and I will be able to copy my posts from there to here).

Sometimes, though, I (Steve too) just feel all alone here in PA. Yeah we've gotten to go to Jon's wedding and Kimmy's wedding and be in Rachel's wedding... but I've missed many friends for AZ getting married, my own brother's marriage, B moving back to Flagstaff, and R coming to Flag on furlough from South Africa. In turn they've missed two m/c and the birth of Holly.

R's post on FB the other day made me both sad and happy at the same time...she said that she had gotten an email that her VISA is being processed. That is exciting! She came to America to work her VISA out and get a new one... but that means that she will probably return to South Africa very soon, which means that she will have come and gone with out our being able to see her. :(

I see posts on FB all the time, one mom to another, saying how fun it was to get together for a play date or whatever... so how come I don't get invited to such things?... Oh I may go to the MNO at the end of this week, but I feel like I was only invited because I go to MOPS and I have an email address.

I think I'm going to re state the jest of my SC blog post... I NEED a friend... I feel like everyone I know around here is merely an acquaintance.

Rant for today over...
CR

I didn't really want to do this

So I already had a "private" blog. It was on SoulCysters. I had a lot of posts too. I am super upset that SC has decided to go by the wayside, with out my being able to transfer those posts somewhere else!

So this is my 'back-up', like I said, I didn't really want to do this, but here we are...

My hope is that SC comes back online at some point, at which time I will be up late one night copying all my posts from SC to here. Until then, this is a place where I can come rant without the fear that I am going to offend someone... cause life isn't all peachy keen all the time, and I'm still dealing with a bit of PPD (I think) and this is a good place to release some of that inner ...whatever... LOL

OK, I have to work at the daycare in the morning and I should really get some sleep!!