2010-7-27 Taking BFF applications

Taking BFF applications

on 07-27-2010 at 12:04 AM (232 Views)

haha JK

In all seriousness though, I have noticed a severe lack of a good friend in my life!

In High school I had a group of four of us... we did everything together! 3 of us were even in the top choir together as seniors. We did senior ditch day together, just us. We ate lunch in the choir hall, just us. Oh, we had other friends, but when it all came down to it, these were the girls I went to. All for one, one for all kind of deal. ...then we graduated... sigh... I now have two of the three of them on my facebook... one is still in Flagstaff (and it's not me).

Before HS, there was 'R' We did everything together too, but now she's... well... more sister then friend ....and her home is South Africa (which is so cool!) so yeah...

... and I am feeling left out of the BFF craze or whatever, or even just having one really good friend. Someone I can talk girly things to, gab with, call for no reason... Even women my age, with just as many kids have BFFs. ...So where is mine?

Don't get me wrong I LOVE my DH and yes I can talk to him about anything, but think about it... he has a wife and THREE daughters. He needs a good guy friend too! to talk guy things, to be all guy-ish with LOL ...and we are both lacking in this area

So I need a BFF... too bad I can't do like Paris Hilton ... sigh... maybe I'll take applications anyway ha

2010-5-6 a bit of venting

a bit of venting

on 05-06-2010 at 10:42 PM (182 Views)

So my adorable 'nephew' (who's not really MY nephew, but I grew up with his mom as a 'sort-of' sister, so in that respect he's my nephew) turned ONE today. And I couldn't be happier, he is such a cutie pie!

BUT... it makes me think of all that has gone on in the last year... and nine months.

We lost Corine on Aug 6th... the 6th, and Landon was born on the 6th of May! Exactly nine months after Corine's passing *tear* and YES we have Holly now, but she in NO way replaces Corine, or the hurt... or any of the tears.... and no one else would get this, oh well...

I don't really feel better, but I sort of do... doesn't make sense but oh well

2009-12-5 I'm allowed to be cranky..... right?

I'm allowed to be cranky..... right?

on 12-05-2009 at 02:14 PM (77 Views)

I want to post that as my status on FB, but I'm afraid of the comments I'd get

So twice in a matter of a couple of days I am posting something here... wow

So I feel like I'm on some sort of strange house arrest... I can't go anywhere in my house without being followed, like someone HAS to be there the very second I go into labor... I feel like I can't go anywhere out of the house, I might go into labor... I feel like I can't take a shower, what if my water breaks and I don't realize it? (cause I can't seem to figure out when a cx happens either)... I can't call the OB about the blood in my CM when I wiped yesterday and this morning, how paranoid would I continue to look?... I am supposed to take things nonchalantly like the OB's are, but I am concerned I wont be able to squeeze this silly baby out, should she get much bigger (need I say again measuring 41 weeks...ouch)... Oh and my family just left to go 'drop off' the recycling, they asked if I wanted to come, but that would have added about an hour to what should be a 15 min trip (I'm not dressed)... now I think I may have them worried about me still! What if I go into labor while they are away?

I just can't win.... so I'm allowed to be cranky, right?

2009-12-3 I am so done being pregnant!... RANT!

I am so done being pregnant!... RANT!

on 12-03-2009 at 09:23 PM (119 Views)

So I haven't posted anything in a very long time... I didn't on our family Blog either... just updated the other day over there... but I feel like I need to scream, and in fact have been crying most of the day. Chalk it up to pregnancy hormones and uncomfortably in me. I am SO done! I am currently 38 weeks and 5 days pregnant and SO done! I had an OB check today. I am sure that most women would be fine with the news that I got, me... I don't quite understand what's wrong. At 36weeks (almost) I was 2-3cm dilated and at a -1 station, at 37 weeks (almost) I was 3cm, 80% effaced and -1 station, at 37.5 weeks (would have been 38 week apt) I was at 4cm, still 80% and -1... so I thought progress right!? I thought 'd been having contractions and that things would be a but further... Well today (38w5d... 39w? apt) I am STILL at 4cm and all he would say was that I am 90-95% effaced... WhOoPiEe (note the sarcasm)... oh oh and I am measuring at 41 weeks (What the heck!???). Faith's water broke at almost 1cm, so I really have no comparison to her... with Megan I was 6cm at my 38 week apt, Angie (my wonderful OB and family friend) told us to tie up our loose ends and come back to L&D later (so that she could deliver)... well I was still at 6cm when we got there and they used pitocin to help things along (which is no fun!) when they finally broke my water, I finally felt real contrax... and I had her within an hour and a half! ...next apt is already Monday...

I don't know where I am going with this... except to just rant! But, I am just frustrated that this is taking so long. I am uncomfortable, I can't breath (I haven't been able to since the end of Sept), my pubic bone HURTS - like it's bruised, and I have little pains all over my body... I just want to be done and sleep on my tummy again!

Another thing I realized today... I think subconsciously I wanted this baby home before MIL gets here so that we could adjust to this new little life in our home before she came. Not that I don't want MIL here, I DO, I really do! But she was there when Megan was born and I don't think we had a chance to adjust to being a family of four until MIL left, which was a stress for the rest of us (added on top of the normal stress that Megan added). So I think I wanted that too, just a little bit of time as the five of us, before we have family swoop in on us (MIL will be here for two weeks from the 12th to the 26th and my dad is coming Christmas eve to the 26th as well).

OK I think my rant is over... I think I am going to have either another cup of tea or cocoa and finish watching Private Practice...

2009-8-9 22 weeks and counting...

22 weeks and counting...

on 08-09-2009 at 07:41 PM (102 Views)

How far along? 22weeks 1day

Total weight gain/loss: up about 15 lbs so far, as per the home scale at night

Maternity clothes? No change.. except that I went and bought a pair of sleep shorts that are WAY to big, but feel SO nice

Stretch marks? I think a few more have popped up and the ones I have are ‘growing’, but still applying lotion as often as I can remember with the “Palmer’s” stuff

Sleep: restless.. and I still have had a couple of days where my RLS has acted up and that keeps me awake

Best moment this week: Hearing the heartbeat again and getting a prescription (yep a prescription, so it’s covered by the insurance) for a prenatal cradle.. Oh, I am anticipating the relief!

Movement: It’s a rare day that I don’t feel her move now! The days that I don’t seem to be the days I am more active (like while at work)

Food cravings: Just about anything you mention! It all sounds good! I have noticed though that cheese is really good and green beans are really good.. things that I can’t get too much of (at least they are not junk)

Any mood swings? My temper fuse is really short these days.. according to some other pregnant women I have talked to, this is normal.. not something I remember form Faith and Megan though

Labor Signs: None yet! Thank the LORD!

Belly Button in or out? In, so far is has gotten tighter though, I have noticed that I can’t see inside it as much as before LOL

Wedding rings on or off? No change..

What I miss: Bras that fit!

What I am looking forward to: (not pg related..) looking forward to getting my Bridesmaid dress so that I can figure out how it get it the right length,, that should be this week..

Bought anything for baby? In the last couple of weeks I bought fabric to go with the afore mentioned Boppy cover and the fabric will work for another pattern for baby items.. We are thinking of registering soon for a few things that we don’t have..

Weekly Wisdom: pregnant women get tired easily.. my feet still hurt from my six hour shift at work yesterday

Milestones: Her lips, eyelids, and eyebrows are becoming more distinct, and she's even developing tiny tooth buds beneath her gums. Her eyes have formed, but her irises (the colored part of the eye) still lack pigment. If you could see inside your womb, you'd be able to spot the fine hair (lanugo) that covers her body and the deep wrinkles on her skin, which she'll sport until she adds a padding of fat to fill them in. Inside her belly, her pancreas — essential for the production of some important hormones — is developing steadily.

some pictures:

My belly last week at 21 weeks


ultrasound taken 7-16 at almost 19 weeks... it's another girl (if you missed that) and this one shows her with her thumb in her mouth... little stinker

2009-7-7 Unmerited fears... all over again

Unmerited fears... all over again

on 07-07-2009 at 10:20 AM (99 Views)

I wrote a post on here back in October about finding out my 'sister' was pg. You can read it HERE. Then a few months later in January, my other 'sister' wrote in her blog and I just had to comment HERE. I even posted about being an excited aunt in my family blog HERE, and got a response from 'B' via email

So that brings me to the email from "Grams" that B sent out from her mom who is visiting the happy little family. Now I know what I've said before, I know that they all (mostly) accept me as family and nothing could change that, I know that N is no less Grams to my kids now that Landon is here. But something welled up inside me when I read

We haven’t done anything exciting, but it’s wonderful to just sit around and watch Landon. He is, of course, the cutest baby ever...

The rest of her letter was just mundane stuff they had done. Of course Landon's cute, I've seen pictures, I don't mind the fact that he's cute. It's the fact that N said cutest ever.

I don't feel like our babies were ugly (some are and you just want to cringe when you say "how cute", but MINE weren't like that!). I just don't know how to react, or even what to say when talking to N anymore.

This whole situation isn't helped by the fact that Landon was born 9 months to the day after Corine's passing. It was an eerie coincidence to me and probably one I'll never mention to B, R or N, as I'm sure I'd get some ridicule about it, or they'd just laugh it off.

OK I think my whacked out pg emotions are better now (maybe not completely...). I just hope that I don't need to write another post with this title.

2009-6-19 14weeks 6d Ultrasound... and work rant

14weeks 6d Ultrasound... and work rant

on 06-19-2009 at 06:49 PM (110 Views)

So I had my U/S today. The U/S tech was confused as to why I was having one but it was a fabulous scan. The neck looks great and the baby is so big... compared to the six week u/s we had... He/she measures 14w4d, only two days off, so no worries there (I did notice as she was measuring things that the head was measuring at 15w, yikes). No guess at gender yet, which is fine I would like the tech to be pretty certain.

Here is a picture from today


In other... whatever... I HATE (and I don't use that word lightly) my job. We got a new GM and he doesn't care about anyone's schedule. For the last two weeks I have been scheduled Friday in addition to my regular Saturdays. AND to top it off I was scheduled last weekend when I SPECIFICALLY asked for it off to go see Beth Moore (which was FANTASTIC). So I had to finagle my way out of not only one day (that I asked off), but two. Then this week I am scheduled AGAIN Friday and Saturday... not too bad (DH doesn't get to sleep very well... up for about 24 hours), BUT this morning was my U/S scheduled for 1/2 hour before I'm supposed to be at work. UGH So I seem to have no hope of a reprieve at this (poor DH), unless or until I quit. So I seem to be on the watch for a new job... if one will take me for a mere 6 months, with no guarantee of my return... again I say UGH

2009-6-11 Appointment- 13weeks 5days

Appointment- 13weeks 5days

on 06-11-2009 at 11:00 PM (75 Views)

My appointment today was GREAT!!!! I couldn't have asked for anything better. I got the most bubblyist Dr the practice has. She came in with the rinky-dink (old) U/S machine (seriously the screen was only about 4" wide) and gave us a peek at the little one and scheduled a better U/S as well (to look at the neck and head to make sure that the problem we had last year doesn't haunt us again). While she was moving the U/S want around the baby was moving in response to what she was doing, it was remarkable to see! She also whipped out the Doppler to have a listen (a fabulous HB in the 140's). She told me I could take some Magnesium for my RLS and gave me a different prenatal vit to try to combat the fatigue. So my 'better' U/S is next Friday. I am super excited, and this pregnancy is finally starting to sink in. I'll post some pictures when I get them

2009-5-13 First Dr Apt :)

First Dr Apt :)

on 05-13-2009 at 09:55 PM (116 Views)

So I had my first Dr apt for this pg today!

It took WAY longer than I had anticipated... but it was good!!! There was a lot of paperwork to go over and to sign... blah, blah, blah... Once I finally got in to see the Doc, he still talked at me quite a bit... and quickly, as he had a woman at the hospital 'pushing' (I'm thinking that if I'm pushing, some had better be there 'catching' cause it's about that quick for me) anyway... I might be labeled 'High risk' because of the two m/c's and because the one was in the second tri... yuck, except that it would mean seeing my bean more often (I am sticking to my guns, though and saying NO needles in the uterus this go round...)

So after the Dr checks me, much like a physical and looks and feels inside... he asks me if I want to listen with the Doppler, knowing that we were most likely NOT going to be able to hear anything (it's still rather early), and after waffling for a few minutes, decided to go a head and try to hear the HB (telling myself that I wasn't going to be disappointed or freaked out if/when we didn't hear it). After wandering around for a while with the thing, he was about to give up... but found it!!! a glorious little HB at 172!!! If the old wives are right... I think there may be an adoption of a little boy in our future... I'm still praying for this one to be a boy though!!

OK... Next apt is in four weeks, June 11


on a side note, I bought shoes for Rachel's wedding today they are cute and kind of strappy, Dr Scholls (yea) and not heals, which is good cause apparently (besides being 27 weeks pg) the ceremony is on the lawn... aeration by the bridal party not a good idea

2009-5-5 I'm an Aunt!

I'm an Aunt!

on 05-05-2009 at 11:45 PM (65 Views)

I got a call this evening from N that B and W had their baby boy. The cool thing was that N called me at 9:45 PM local time May 5th saying that he was born 2:XX AM May 6th... how cool is that? It makes total sense, because they are in Uganda I can't describe how happy I am for them! His name is Landon with a middle name that I can't spell (neither could N) but means "the blessing" SO PERFECT! I'm an AUNT!!!

(and as a side note I am crying, much like I did when I was on the phone with N. as I said, I an really happy for them... and I am enough of a family member to have been called right after the great-grandma, and Great Uncle (and Aunt Pat called N too), so I guess I don't really need to 'worry' much. N is going to see B and W and the baby in June, but she wanted to come here in Jan when Corine would have been born... hey maybe we'll get a visit from her finally at Christmas time....?)

OK I think my tears are done and I need to go to bed.... zzz

2009-4-29 Searching for a different church

Searching for a different church

on 04-29-2009 at 10:56 PM (98 Views)

I should be doing some dishes, but feel like I need to post something... now I could post that my current pregnancy seems to be going well, I am so tired on a daily basis, so emotional, 'sore' nipples (more like just strange feelings when they are touched), headaches, sneezing (yes that's a pg sign for me... it has to do with avoiding nausea), a bit of nausea and that incredibly full (dare I say bloated) feeling in my lower abdomen, AND then there's the fact that we've seen a HB (that's the best of all)! Even with all that, we are still keeping this under raps with the kids for the time being

But I'm not here for that today...
As it says up at the top, my family is searching for a different church. I don't really know what to say about it, except that it's rough! I (we) loved our church in Flagstaff! I don't know if we'll ever find one that we love so well... but we have now been to two different churches that I am really not so sure about. The first was an independent church and while it wasn't bad, and I could see myself (and my family) going back, it didn't 'jump off the page' so to speak. The second we went to was a Baptist church, it was very muchly NOT what we are looking for! There is another one close by that I would like to see, but I have a feeling that it will be similar to the last one... (I could be wrong) There is also another church (further into town) that DH and I joked about when we first moved here, because the pastor's last name is Dull LOL and we though 'How could you go somewhere where the pastor is dull' But in all seriousness, the web sight that they have looks promising. I meant to ask at MOPS last week where some of the women go... but, in all my pg brain, forgot. And when I talked to Kristy about it when I dropped off dinner last night, she mentioned another gal at MOPS, but didn't know the name of the church. *SIGH* I wish it were easier to find a place where your whole family feels like they fit in and has the things that your family is looking for. So again I *sigh*

Oh and the reason we are looking for someplace different? We have realized, two years after we started going there, that the focus of the church is NOT what we feel we can focus our lives on. It's not that it's a bad focus for a church, it's just not what we are looking for. Also, DH is having a hard time getting through to the pastor about a certain issue that I happen to agree with DH on (go figure, huh?). Now we have a list of things we would like to see in a church that we attend, and unfortunately I think about half of then have to do with the current issues we are having with the church we were going to. *sigh*

Now for some homemade ice cream and beddy bye... dishes can be done tomorrow...

2009-4-17 ultrasound and playing with pee sticks

ultrasound and playing with pee sticks

on 04-17-2009 at 12:49 PM (152 Views)

So I played with the HPT's last night and got some pictures. In reality I was making sure that they were getting darker. LOL So here is a picture of that




AND we, make that I - had an ultrasound this morning. Before I go into that, I have to explain how nervous I was! I woke this morning at 6-something in an absolute panic because of the dream I'd just had! It involved a lot of babies (that looked to be about 12 weeks gestation) all falling out of me. UGH I managed to go back to sleep and dreamed again that DH was doing something strange in the bathroom. It looked like he was trying to remodel and there was NO toilet and I HAD to go! I was done sleeping at that point so I lay there and contemplated today's ultrasound. After I managed to get out of bed I was NAUSEOUS before I ate breakfast I was NAUSEOUS after I ate breakfast... I would like to chalk it up to nerves. DH and I managed to convince DD that she needed to stay home with daddy (who didn't really want to go with me ).

At the ultrasound we heard a heart beat (though it sounded like mine), but we did get to see the little one with it's little heart flickering away. I was ecstatic!! The baby measures right on time from what FF says, maybe a day off... they found all they needed to find... though I seem to have a right ovary that was hiding LOL (the teck said though that she had found it back in Feb so she wasn't concerned). One other thing that was interesting was she said that back in Feb I had a retroverted (tilted backwards) uterus and now it looks just fine... huummm wonder if that has anything to do with why I m/c then. OK so here is today's picture... it's a little blurry, but I am in love!! and the line is the crown to rump length (2.5mm)

2009-4-8 Feeling a bit better about this

Feeling a bit better about this

on 04-08-2009 at 02:46 PM (103 Views)

I POAS again on Monday (just to reassure myself that this was for real) then I called the Doctor's office and got Beta's and P4 going.

The Beta from Monday came back at 776 and P4 came back at 22, went in again today and should have an u/s in a couple of weeks (pending on today’s beta #)

So I am feeling a bit better about this, but I'm still having a had time getting excited. I told 'O' from MOPS at Bible Study last night, she's excited for me! And MIL knows as DH told her yesterday. I still don't know when I want to tell other family... or even my sweet girls...

Five weeks tomorrow, still hoping this bean sticks around!!!



****Edited to add Beta results from today are in!!! The Number? 2009... (a 1550 was expected)!!! SO Yea!!! I am really starting to fear multiples though

U/S is scheduled for next Friday at 10:30... AND... I don't have to go back for any more Beta's (My arm is grateful!!)

2009-4-5 Oh Boy ... here we go!! Edit Blog Entry Rate this Entry * Excellent * Good * Average * Bad * Terrible * 1 Comment b

Oh Boy ... here we go!!

on 04-05-2009 at 10:52 PM (83 Views)

So I am still in shock!!

Yesterday was 16DPO as per FF and I couldn't stand waiting for AF any longer so I broke down and POAS

Lo and Behold it was positive!!! Now I compared it to the first stick I peed on back in Feb (yes I still have it for some strange reason...) and this one was lighter... but you could chalk that up to about a million different reasons... bought at different times, dye color different, I have been drinking quite a bit of H2O... blah blah blah

But never the less there were (still are, lol) two lines And yet I have never been so 'ho-hum' about a BFP before... I am having such a hard time being excited. I guess this comes with good cause... two m/c in a span of 7 months (15 weeks in Aug and 6 weeks in Feb)... I just want to know that things are alright before I let excitement set in... But I KNOW better, God controls what happens (what has happened ) and I can't let my fear of m/c again control me

On the positive side... I am super emotional... I've cried over the silliest things and have yelled at my children for no good reason; I am exhausted!!! and am asleep every night earlier than usual; I am nauseous ...like if I don't eat, UGH and not much sounds good...

OK ... hoping this one sticks around for the long haul... and (not so secretly) hoping that we almost even out the hormones (or at least the ratio of xx/ xy chromosomes) in this house (AKA I want a boy)!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
good night

2009-3-8 Sweet Sundays

Sweet Sundays

on 03-08-2009 at 11:36 PM (67 Views)

"A Pair of Shoes"

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

Author unknown

2 Corinthians 12:7-10
7To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. 8Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 10That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Our speaker in Church today (not our pastor) spoke on these verses. Before he got to the verses he told of how steal is made stronger by first making it weaker. Steal must first be heated very hot, where it becomes weaker, then it is cooled very rapidly (usually by water) and this is what makes it stronger.

My thoughts immediately went to what has transpired in the last year... Two pregnancies... a cystic hygroma... CVS testing... and in the end two miscarriages. I can only pray that, as Mike (I think that’s his name) said this morning, God in His sovereignty is using what the devil thought would get me down, and making me stronger.

As Mike continued to talk about Paul’s ‘thorn’ and how he begged God to take it away, but knew that God’s grace is sufficient enough; I continued to think of the poem that is above and thought, “Oh I wish this could be taken away, but I know better, I will ALWAYS be a woman who has miscarried two (please NO more) babies. I will never be able to have the innocence and joy of pregnancy that was there for Faith and Megan.” And I hate that!!! But he came back to the steal, and so must I. God is using this to make me stronger.

This whole thing reminds me of a time in HS when I was struggling between two homes. ‘N’ told me of how gold is refined and made more pure. When a goldsmith is refining gold he will turn up the fire (heat) below it to raise the imperfections to the top, then skim those imperfections off and continue the process. So heat (aka: trials) does quite a lot for a Christian... it can help to get imperfections ‘out’ and when cooled properly, make us stronger... and more like Christ. Praise be to God!

I very muchly needed today’s sermon!


Tristasmother - 03-25-2009 08:50 AM

Stina - I took a materials class in college that didn't explain steel-making as well as you did above based on the speaker's information. It is amazing that through weakness we can become stronger. So many times, it's just easy to see my weaknesses and how broken I feel, but it's nice to know that, if I will let God, the end goal will be my increased strength through him.

Thanks for sharing!

2009-3-1 The emotion of music

The emotion of music

on 03-01-2009 at 02:22 PM (71 Views)

I lost it in church today... I love music and I love the emotion that music can convey, it's just so hard when the music that I love so dearly brings me to my knees in emotion and tears. We sang (well I'm not sure that I sang too much ... very unlike me) "Blessed be your name" today. It's just such a great song, and we do need to remember to PRAISE HIM in everything, in the good and the bad... all I could do today was cry. I don't think it helped that "H" and "M" had their newborn baby there today (barely two weeks old and she was due a month after I was with Corine), so that coupled with the events of this week... that song really brought me to my knees today. I have managed to control my emotions, but Beth has it right... "It's tough being a woman"!!!!!!

Blessed Be Your Name
by Matt Redman
- - -
Blessed Be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name

Blessed Be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name

(emphasis mine) "A" said she sang it for me today. I am glad she did because my voice seemed to fail me today. Thanks "A"

2009-2-25 More thoughts on this loss...

More thoughts on this loss...

on 02-25-2009 at 10:21 PM (86 Views)

I still cannot believe that we miscarried AGAIN. Granted this is not as rough going as it was back in August, but it is still hard. 'A' from church (she always has poignant questions for me ) asked if I was becoming callused to this or if I am agonizing as to why this happened again... I waver back and forth.. Some moments I am "oh well... life goes on" and others I just have to sit down and cry because this did happen again. I just want to carry another baby to term!

2009-2-24 nothing there...

nothing there...

on 02-24-2009 at 11:14 PM (67 Views)

We did have an ultrasound today that showed that there was nothing there... I then went to the doc's office (u/s is in another building) and I got the news that my beta yesterday was only at 198... so this started long before yesterday. I go back in a week to give more blood to make sure that the number is falling like it should and in four weeks to make sure that my body is healing like it should...

I feel almost fine physically... a few AF type cramps and a pulling sensation around my right hip are the most bothersome... I also have some neck pain that may have come from laying so funny on the couch that last couple of days (stress related as well) ... emotionally ... it's a moment by moment thing... I'm not sure of how much more I can take...

2009-2-23 it's over...

it's over...

on 02-23-2009 at 09:22 PM (97 Views)

Well girls... I think I am out! ***TMI alert***I just passed a huge... well almost palm sized... clot that looks like it should still be in my uterus I had some cramping earlier and am feeling 'better' now... using my newly made cloth pads... I think I am still going to go to my u/s in the morning... just so that we can confirm what I already know. I know this sounds crass... but I would rather this happen now then like last time at a later time, I will miss this little one, but I didn't get as attached to it.

Poor DH didn't get much sleep today... he stayed up to watch the girls so that I could go get my blood drawn, and then slept in the living room (instead of the bed) which usually results in not so great sleep, and he woke earlier then normal to cook dinner. What a man I have! I just hope that he can make it through the night alright....

OK off to go change my siggy...

2009-2-23 scared and sad

scared and sad

on 02-23-2009 at 02:55 PM (70 Views)

I woke up to bright red spots in my undies this morning. I am so frightened. I called the doc and I went in today for blood work and I go in tomorrow for an u/s and the next day for follow up blood work. I am just praying for this little one.

This afternoon I got up to make the kiddos a late lunch and go pee and notice that there is a lot more blood now ... no real clots or cramps though... I hope that my u/s tomorrow shows something...

2009-2-22 Six Weeks!!

Six Weeks!!

on 02-22-2009 at 10:27 PM (66 Views)

This week marks six for this pregnancy! Yea!!

This week that baby is growing like crazy, is starting to sprout eyes, ears, nose, cheeks and chin. Those little hands and feet- still webbed like paddles- might wiggle by week's end, the heart is beating (almost twice as fast as yours!), and blood is starting to circulate.

Our little sweet pea...

2009-2-15 Week 5

Week 5

on 02-15-2009 at 09:39 PM (44 Views)

Wow, I can't believe that it's been a week since I found out about this pregnancy! DH knows, but my kiddos (hopefully) don't (they are smart little cookies, and I wouldn't put it past them, except that they haven't asked me any questions...) I didn't get a chance to buy Honey Buns for DH, but I sent him a piece of flair on Facebook... and he immediately banned me from Hot dogs and cold cuts, lol.

So according to BabyCenter.com I've got a little 2mm bean (about the size of a sesame (or a small apple seed - pictured below) seed) who will, this week, in fact, have a tiny heart that begins to divide into chambers and beat and pump blood... How exciting!!

2009-2-9 Week 4

Week 4

on 02-09-2009 at 11:29 AM (58 Views)

Wow, so I am still in disbelief!! but this is the size of the little bean as of now, I think I've read about 1mm...


This is a picture of Poppy seeds

I am not ready to post belly shots as of yet, but they will be coming rest assured!

2009-2-9 Oh My Goodness!!!

Oh My Goodness!!!

on 02-09-2009 at 12:25 AM (65 Views)

Well today was 16dpo and no sign of AF, my temps have been riding a roller coaster, up one day and down the next, it's annoying!! Also I have noticed that I have an excessive amount of creamy cm since I O'ed (I though it was supposed to dry up after O)... so I POAS this morning....



I am in total shock, and haven't even figured out how to tell DH... though I'm thinking of buying a package of honey buns (they're a sticky, honey ooey gooey mess - kind of like cinnamon rolls only not as big and more honey) from where I work and sticking one in his lunch box tomorrow and the rest in the oven and see if he catches on I am fearful of telling my girls till we see a good u/s

2009-1-29 The Doctors

The Doctors

on 01-29-2009 at 06:15 PM (96 Views)

I haven't really ever watched this show, but I heard that they were taking PCOS stories, so after a few days of thought, I decided to send in my story. Fun stuff

So here is what I am giving them...

Hello, my symptoms of PCOS are that I have male pattern facial hair (sideburns a beard and mustache) that I maintain by waxing, I also have a patch of hair on my back, and I have coarse dark hair all over that is almost impossible to shave. I am thin-ish, but have what I can only describe as a the beginnings of the typical male ‘beer belly’ I have always had this pudge, regardless of any exercise I do.

I was never officially diagnosed with PCOS, but a doctor (well, a nurse practitioner), after I had been trying to get pregnant for a year already, said that I probably had it. She looked at me and some of the things I complained about, asked a few questions, and said that my symptoms plus my both my parents’ high blood pressure can all be factors and said that I most likely had PCOS... that it would be a miracle if I ever ovulated and had children.

I can look back on my life and see symptoms as far back as when I was in 7th grade (I think ... my childhood memories are so fuzzy) I finally had my first period, my mom thought it could be a little late, but she wasn't worried at the time. By the time I hit high school I was having debilitating cramps almost every month, these were cramps that would put me in the nurses office for half the day or more, or keep me home on a hot pad with Ibuprofen in me. They really knocked me out! By this time my mom was noticing the trend and chalked it up to our family history... My Great-grandma on her side had problems getting pregnant (pcos way back then?) so she went to an Indian witch doctor, and I'm not saying that whatever happened was because of that person or not, but she then went on to have three children out of 8-10 pregnancies. My grandma (one of her children) had female problems (and I don't remember right now what...) but every one of her daughters (5? of 8 children), my mom included... had endometriosis, or cancers, and all had hysterectomies before they were 40. So this is where I am coming from. Later on in High School I blacked out a few times during my period and that's when I think my symptoms started becoming more evident. That’s also when I started growing chin hair and sideburns (so embarrassing!). I never thought to be concerned though cause I had somewhat regular cycles... while in High school I lived with two other teen aged girls and their mother (their dad had died some years prior)... ha ha, even the dog and the cat were female... so I was in sync with their cycles and never noticed any problems. When I became engaged, my college roommate suggested the birth control that she was using... the Depo shot. I think it was the straw that broke the camel's back, so to speak. I was on that for a year, when we realized that it was actually starting to drive me crazy (like, I felt like I was climbing the wall) and it was depressing me as well, so we nipped that in the bud! Then I was put on Alesse BCPs, I felt much better. But when I stopped it (so that we could start trying to have a child), my cycles just kept getting longer and longer and that's when I swore off hormonal birth control and started charting my Basal Body Temperature, and was ‘diagnosed.’ It took two plus years to conceive my first daughter. To help my self ovulate and stay regular I was taking Red Raspberry leaf capsules, Dong Quai and Soy Isoflavions (early in my cycle), under the direction of the nurse practitioner, but she never followed up. I ran out of the herbs at one point and that was the month I conceived my oldest daughter. Then I had decided that once sheturned one we would start trying for another child, in case it took another two years... well I didn’t have to wait very long, cause instead of getting my period when she turned one I got a positive pregnancy test. My second was born a short eight months later. When we decided that we wanted to try again for another child last year, I began charting my Basal Body Temperature again and realized that by taking nothing I was only ovulating once every three cycles, even though I would have a period, though those cycles tended to be a bit longer. I decided to try the Soy Isoflavions during the early part of my cycle again. This helped me to begin to ovulate every month and I conceived again. Sadly the baby died and I miscarried at 15 weeks, but I was told that her death had nothing to do with anything I had done or taken, it was her placenta and cord that had problems. We are currently trying again to conceive and have currently been at it for the last five months, and while I know that’s somewhat normal, I am not pregnant yet and I am getting older. I do not currently have any insurance, so I am relying completely on the Soy Isofalvions, and OPK’s (which actually seem to work for me).

I do not expect to be on this show, but I wanted to make sure that my story is out there... it is possible to have this and have a somewhat normal life (I still have to watch what I eat) and have children. Thank you.

Update from Wednesday

Alternately titled: Poppop

Rachel called Wednesday night to tell me that our Grandpa Smith was not doing very well at all and that the family is on alert that he is probably in his last days.

Friday evening my dad called to tell me the same news... catch that FRIDAY... as Rach put it: "Family phone tree FAIL" I can say this here cause it's very unlikely that most people will see it... My dad can be so difficult to understand, I that's a mild way of putting it!

So as we are making dinner Friday night Dad calls again. I knew when I saw the caller ID that Grandpa had passed. It still took him telling me that Grandpa had just died to actually believe it. I immediately went out to where Steve was grilling the steaks and he knew immediately. Steve preceded to call Nancy, his mom and my mom (who didn't answer) and my brother. We also told our girls and used some Bible verses, Psalm 23 being one of them. Psalm 23 is what I am learning for Beth Moore's memory verses... and I didn't even tell Steve about it before that.

Grandpa didn't want a funeral. So Monday my aunt, uncle, Kim Jonathan, and my dad... and I think my Grandma all went with his body to the mausoleum and then to lunch. Rach is hoping for a summer meet-up to reminise about him and Grandma Smith (I am all for that!).

RIP Edward K Smith Jr 1/4/1921-1/28/2011

Black Sheep

So I am interrupting my transferring of posts from SC for the reason i have a personal blog...


Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

i HATE how some how my pitiful little family have become the Black sheep of the Smith clan!!!! Kim posted on her FB account that she got some disheartening news about a family member.... I put something on there about praying for them... she IM'ed me later (I was on the wii at the time so I don't really see it) that it's about Grandpa Smith...

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

So HOW COME i don't have any clue what's going on?!? No call from Dad... all day. No call from anyone else. No emails. NOTHING

IT IS SO FRUSTRATING!!! and yes I intended that to be all caps!

GGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

I can't exactly ask her what has happened on her post.... I can't be rude and put in my status (like I would love to) "Would someone care to full me in on what has happened with my Grandpa!" or "I hate being left in the dark about things" (hmm maybe i can use that one) or something about being the black sheep of the family... cause I am sure they would all deny it!

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

I don't think my rant is over yet.... but I need to get some other things done and get to bed on time tonight, work is EARLY!!! and it's pretty slick outside :( (and I am missing MOPS beside)

ETA: rachel to be calling

2009-1-18 Sweet Sundays

Sweet Sundays

on 01-18-2009 at 11:05 PM (70 Views)

I wrote a blog last week in my Family blog that I titled “Sweet Sundays” and thought I’d do another one, but didn’t want to have two posts with the same name right in a row ( haven’t posted since then), and this one is focused mainly on my sweet Corine that we lost (and Heaven gained) at 15 weeks gestation back in Aug. So I decided that this one would go here... and with that...

So our pastor today was talking about the Tower of Babel (Gen 11:1-9). About how when God dispersed everyone and confused their language, that it was what is called a ‘common grace.’ A common grace is defined as: “The Grace of God by which He gives innumerable blessings that are not part of salvation.” And he gave examples of his own life, one where he played chicken (as a kid) and didn’t get hurt or in trouble. Then he gave examples of things he’s seen... a child at church, who is just precious, and is loved so much by everyone, his little life is a common grace. And a young woman who battling cancer, and is about have the ultimate glorification (death) and how she can still praise God and her life is a common grace. So I was thinking of... what else? The m/c... and how it was God’s common grace that we were in a church that cares about us as a family (and not as a number) and is thoughtful enough to come out and tell us that there are others who have lost a child (this is hard to tell someone...). It was God’s common grace that I have been so involved in MOPS, and that they were willing to help in whatever way. It was God’s common grace that one of the paramedics used to live in this house (how crazy is that?). It was God’s common grace that we are at our hospital, not the one that the Ambulance drivers don’t like to drive to . It was God’s common grace that Jenn (and her husband) was home and that she was able to come over so quickly to take care of the girls. I’m sure that there are so many more that I am going to think of over the next week and a half... that’s how long it is till my EDD with Corine... but I think that is enough for right now. I am sure that I would actually have her in my arms now (had things not gone the way they did) because of the way the weather has been around here lately. I miss my baby!

2009-1-12 Unmerited fears ... continued...

Unmerited fears ... continued...

on 01-12-2009 at 11:00 PM (95 Views)

So, I was reading my 'sister's blog today and decided that I really shouldn't comment there... or on my family blog, so here I am...

First off this has to with the blog I wrote a couple of months back... you can read the whole thing here

Yes I know that Grams can multiply her love for grandkids... biological or not... But I didn't think I would feel so torn up over Aunt 'R' Who wrote in her blog today... I will quote from it as I don't really want to post a lot of personal things...
"While 'B' was in South Africa I got to feel “junior” kick. It was so amazing and filled my heart with joy. I can’t wait to meet this precious baby boy, only four more months! He is already stubborn. We were watching TV and the baby was kicking and jumping all around; we decided he already likes chocolate cake just like his mom! As soon as I put my hand on 'B'’s stomach he stopped. So I was patient and waiting and waiting for him to move at last he did. I can’t wait to hear this little one cry and one day say Aunt 'R'."

So how does this make me feel? She already is Aunt 'R' to my kids! She was there the day that Faith was born! She made it a point to come visit us here 2000 miles away from Grams (and her American home) at Christmas time! UGH!!! This is NOT the first that she will be an aunt (as a commenter implied)!

So now I wonder if I get to be an Aunt or not, do I even matter... or am I just the bum who moved in with the family in HS?

I wish I could say something... but I'm afraid that it would be taken the wrong way... I'm afraid that I would not say something in love, but in jealousy and that's not right.... so I will keep my mouth shut (well except for here, but this blog is for me ), continue with my plans to crochet 'B' a baby blanket and pray that I can get pregnant again soon (that has very little to do with 'B,' 'R' or with Grams, it's just when emotions are running that seems to surface ).

Again I say... UGH!!!

2009-1-8 A rough day

A rough day

on 01-08-2009 at 07:06 PM (80 Views)

I had a rough day today... rant... As I was getting ready to head out the door this morning for MOPS, I notice that DH had brought in the mail from yesterday, and wouldn't ya know a box of canned formula (two cans!) is sitting there. So I immediately decided that it was going to MOPS to see if anyone there would like it. I didn't think it would affect me today... then as I was doing some errands later I saw an ambulance and didn't think much of it at the time, but as we were coming home, the place where I saw the ambulance hit me like a ton of bricks! I recalled my whole ambulance ride on the night I m/ced and was in tears within a few blocks . It's so hard... so then I remembered the stupid formula... now I am so emotional. Yesterday was five months, and here I am on YET another AF (and HAVE to wait for yet another one!). I supposed to be about to have a baby!!! I'm supposed to not have to worry about IF I am going to need a different dress for my cousin's wedding...


On a better (bittersweet) note I took my first dose of soy for this cycle this morning... I am hoping that taking it a couple of days earlier in my cycle will help me to O earlier!

2008-12-17 Oops

Oops

on 12-17-2008 at 04:12 PM (128 Views)

So I am supposed to be on a wait cycle (or two) due to being in my cousin's wedding in early Sept. I am liking not having to worry about 'if I eat this, will it affect my O?' or POAS to find out when exactly I am Oing.

SO DH and DTD this morning (no BC protection) and I laid there with him for a few minutes (longer than normal) not even thinking about it... I don't usually O till CD 18ish (it's CD 12)... and then a few hours later, I took a shower and decided to check CP and CM (cleaning down there anyways). The CP was higher then I remember it ever being, it was so open that if I could have gotten my finger further up there, it would have gone into the uterus and as for soft, yes. As for CM I haven't ever looked at semen before, but I would have thought it had all leaked out by the time I took my shower and what I was pulling out and getting was very stretchy and egg white, VERY stretchy and egg white!!

So, oh crap, I don't know what to do if we actually caught that egg, if in fact it has released, or will soon. R's wedding is in 37.5 weeks (Sept 6), if we just conceived a due date would be 38 weeks from now (add two for the first half of a cycle and you get 40 weeks)... that's a little too close for comfort. One thing that is reassuring to me is that I don't have '40 week' babies. I have a 36 week baby and a 38 week baby (that would be Aug 12 and Aug 26 respectively).

So whatever happens, will happen... but oops!

2008-11-19 Thanksgiving ramblings

Thanksgiving ramblings

on 11-19-2008 at 11:13 PM (84 Views)

OK, I should have been on here longer ago then this... oh well...

I did finally email my 'sister,' though I am still coming to terms with the whole situation. I AM happy for her and my children are excited that Aunt B and Uncle W are going to have a baby. She did respond back that they just found out it's a boy! I had to laugh!! We grew up in a house of all women! The three of us even had our cycles in sync after a while. Our dog was a girl, the cats we had were girls... basically the only men in our lives are our current husbands. I got 'lucky' (unlucky? IDK) to have two girls (well three, but God's taking care of the one) so far. She said that she's not going to know what to do with herself taking care of a boy. What a chuckle!

I am having a hard time coming to grips with the fact that if this cycle is a bust, I wont be pg on Corine's due date... or Christmas for that matter. I was talking with Allison tonight at care group (small groups from church) about it and realized that if I do get pg this cycle, I would be 12 weeks that week of Jan 27th, that's when the whole ordeal with Corine started, so I would be a nervous wreck! Nervous wreck or mental breakdown that week, neither is going to be pleasant, though I think nerves can be calmed better than anything else I would think I will be going through.

There was a mom's night out this last weekend with MOPS. There were only three of us there, but that meant the conversation was more intimate. It was good. The other two gals prompted me to talk about Corine and her loss. It was helpful, that's not to say that I'm all better about things, that's a wound that will only heal in heaven, but it was good to talk about things, and fears, and hopes with those two women.

Thanksgiving is next Thursday (one week away). Thanksgiving plans include picking up my MIL from the train station this Saturday morning. She will be here for a week. We are going to do the whole meal thing for just the 5 of us... unless DH can convince someone else to come over... I am super excited, and DD doesn't have school all next week so that's just icing on the cake. DH is concerned about her political views vs ours and doesn't really want to bring the subject up, but thinking she might...

My sister R is 'home' from South Africa for a longer Christmas vacation than normal (she's a missionary there) and we spoke a few weeks ago about her coming out here, but she realized that the funds just weren't there to be able to do that. BUT she emailed me the other day to say that she 'found' some reward miles that she needs to use, and is rethinking about coming out! It would only be a couple of days, but how awesome is God that He had her find those miles to be able to use!!! I am still waiting on confirmation from her, but I'm still super excited! (can you tell ) So that would be the week after Thanksgiving (the first week in Dec).

My DD, Megan had a well check last week, since her birthday was a few weeks ago. The Dr checked things and was feeling her tummy and said that her liver and spleen feel enlarged... (I'm thinking 'and what does that mean??!!') Doc said that it's probably nothing, asked if she'd been sick (like I can remember, she always active), but he wants to get things checked out to be on the safe side. So he sends us up to the hospital for some blood work. My wonderful daughter was such a champ and gave them three vials of blood from her arm, without a peep! So the we have an appointment on wed the 2nd to follow up and to make sure that she's fine (at least that's my prayer).

So, as things get busier and busier I am consistently trying to remember how much God has blessed us and to keep my focus on HIM, and HE is still to be praised even if this cycle is a bust (please no) and I am not pg on Corine's due date.
OK I've rambled enough for one blog, good night ladies

2008-10-12 unmerited fears

unmerited fears

on 10-12-2008 at 02:10 PM (142 Views)

It’s 1:15 in the morning, so what the heck am I doing here (typed then, SC seems to have been down...)? Besides that fact that I cannot sleep due to whatever ailment I have (high temps with other things), I can’t sleep cause ‘B’ is pregnant. Don’t get me wrong I love ‘B’ and I am just tickled pink that she is expecting. Especially after the lovely note that she sent to us after the m/c, she said that beyond her fear of having children (in a foreign country no less) is the strength that God gives to know that things turn out the way He wants and she (and I) finds peace in that.

Now I know that I am probably the only one to ever read this, unless I show DH or some cyster happens upon it. So in that case I will explain slightly further who 'B' is, then maybe my fear and lack of sleep will be understood. (I have made a cup of ‘Sleepy Time’ tea though, so hopefully I will get some sleep tonight.)

‘B’ is “Aunt B” to my girls, her sister ‘R’ is “Aunt R” to my girls, and their mom is “Gram”... the problem is that I am not really their sister and their mom didn’t birth me, nor is their dad mine. See, I moved in with this wonderful family in High School, when I was having problems with my mom. It was the best move for me at the time, however it was extremely hard on both the girls, ‘B’ more then ‘R’. ‘N’ always accepted me as one of her own, but I always felt (and still do, maybe rightly so) that I would come second to her own children in certain cases. This being one of them. My problem isn’t with ‘B’s’ pregnancy, as I mentioned before, it this nagging feeling (certainly not from God!) that my children will become unimportant or second to ‘B’ and ‘W’s’ child. I guess I’m glad that I got a little more than four years of having her first ‘grandchildren.’ I don’t know I guess I’m feeling scared that we (meaning my children) wont get the love anymore that we have gotten in the past from ‘N’. I’m scared that when/if ‘B’ and ‘W’s’ ever come back to the US (that’s a big if) that travel to them will be more important than travel to us (heck, who am I kidding she hasn’t visited us yet... even though she wanted to this summer, but that fell through and she wanted to fly here in January when she found out there may be a problem with the baby, so I suppose she's not coming then either). I suppose I shouldn’t feel this way, I mean if Kitty Trout can have 11 kids and love multiplied for all of then, then surely love multiplies for grandkids the same way... but I’m not really ‘N’s’ daughter, ‘B’ is. I guess I just need to go to bed and get some sleep (darned hormones!). come to think of it, I don’t think I’ll show this to DH...

Good night

*** Comment***

Tristasmother - 10-12-2008 04:20 PM

Christina - I think we all go through something similar. It may not be for the same reasons, but we all have those irrational fears that can drive us crazy! I've been thinking about you! I know that your girls are great and that Gram will still love your girls.

We had some friends in Oklahoma, and I considered the Dad my "Oklahoma Daddy." (He brought me gas the one and only time I've ever run out.) When they found out we were expecting Trista, he said "Well, I thought I would only have 8 grandchildren, but now I'm going to have 9." That really made everything special to me. He died in a motorcycle accident about 2 1/2 weeks after Trista was born, but he loved her as much as his own grandchildren during the time he was with her.

Sorry, didn't mean for this to be so long. I just wanted to say that some people have more love to offer than we give them credit for.

2008-9-24 on a whim I took an OPK...

on a whim I took an OPK...

on 09-24-2008 at 10:20 PM (116 Views)

So... on a whim I took a OPK today and lo and behold it was +!!

Now this doesn't mean that I'm going to try for another baby just yet... I don't think there is enough lining there for implantation with all the bleeding and spotting I've had in the last 7 weeks... BUT it's a start and that would mean I am Oing all on my own!! yepee!! So, now I hope to get (a real) AF in two-ish weeks and then start trying again (providing I don't start spotting again)! I was just so excited!!

Sorry if you can't see it too well, but the front part of the test line is as dark as the control line...

Attached Images

• 0924 +opk zoom.jpg

2008-9-22 Autumn is here...

Autumn is here...

on 09-22-2008 at 06:22 PM (112 Views)

Nothing new here... it's DH birthday today (mine was Thursday), poor thing had to work last night and tonight, so he's slepping... this week is going to seem dull in comparison to eating out a lot for birthday dinners/ ice cream last week.

I was supposed to have training to be sub at DD's preschool this week, but work schedules won't allow for it... more like, DH has to sleep and I cannot be in two places at once.

I went through my kiddos clothing this morning/afternoon, changing things out for fall and what has gotten too small. What a chore!

I am still spotting on and off, and think of using the NPC that I have to jump start things... not sure though, but I have a day or two to decide...

2008-9-17 Tired of this

Tired of this

on 09-17-2008 at 11:14 AM (116 Views)

I suffered through miscarriage exactly 6 weeks ago! I though I'd be finished bleeding by now... I thought I'd be finished bleeding 3 weeks ago. I'm just so tired of thinking that I am finally done bleeding (one to two days of no spotting or anything) and then BAM there's something there on the liner in the morning, bright red... seeming to mock me. I had wanted to actually somewhat plan when my next baby was born... January was going to be an OK time, ideally I'd have a baby next June/July, that would even out our children's birthdays throughout the year... I still have a few weeks, but bleeding doesn't help my situation. I'm just ready to start TTC again, be pg again, and have another baby... I love my first two and they want another baby too... even DH was excited about the prospect of a new little one. What's wrong with me? I knew I just wanted to stay in bed this morning...
BLAH...

2008-8-31 Memorial and other items

Memorial and other items

on 08-31-2008 at 10:40 PM (132 Views)

Well today we had a memorial service for Corine. This was mostly at the suggestion of our pastors, it was good though! Our associate pastor did most of it, Steve said a few words, and we listened to Mercy Me's song "Homesick" and sang "It is well with my Soul" It was a good chance for closure. Our friends the Arther's were there, as well as a couple of women from my MOPS group. I wanted to read a poem I found here (on the PCOS sight), but I can't even get through it silently without tears.. I can't imagine what it would have been like out loud in front of people... I've posted it on my Facebook, maybe I'll post it in MySpace too and re-post it here:

HEAVEN'S NURSERY
By Rebekah Milne, Mildura, SA, Australia,
written after her own miscarriage.

In Heaven there must surely be
A special place, a nursery
Where 'little spirits' not fully grown
Go to live in their Heavenly home.

The angels must attend with love
Tiny spirits on wings of doves,
The choir of angels must sing lullabies
Maybe quieten their tiny cries.

The Father must come by each day
To cuddle and play in a special way
These tiny spirits left earth too soon
Little ones called Home from the womb.

These sparks of life did not perish
But came to the Father's love to cherish,
To grow and be taught in His own arms
Safely away from all earthly harm.

The comforter was sent to earth at once
To the parents who lost their little one
Their hearts so ache, t heir arms feel empty
The question 'why' seems so tempting.

Then all at once in the midst of tears
There comes a peace that stills the fears
The parents share the Father's own need
To hold their tiny spirit being.

They relinquish their own desperate hold
And release their baby to the Father's fold,
Then comes an angel to whisper the truth
Of a nursery in Heaven bearing rich fruit

Of tiny spirits chosen to worship the Father
A place that couldn't be filled by another,
Called to be spared from the struggles of earth,
Chosen to be one of Heaven's births.

So Father, whisper words of love from me
To our unborn 'life' in your nursery


As for the other items...
-My first two HCG #'s have come back. The 15th it was 373. The 22nd it was 111. I searched online (as I shouldn't have...) and with those two #'s the half life is four days.... at that rate I won't have a 'negative' number till mid Sept. BUT I don't have the # from this week yet.

-...though when I do get the # from the 29th, I think I need to ask about the bleeding which has picked up a bit in the last couple of days. *sigh* My body definitely does not need to work all week again. ... I digress

-Faith has started Head Start preschool. She just loves it! Megan on the other hand 'misses her sister' (for the first five minutes)

-My dad called today saying that he's coming out for Megan's birthday (end of Oct). It's always so awkward when he comes, I feel like we don't have enough activities for him to do and I fell like he gets bored.

2008-8-15 with CVS results comes relief

with CVS results comes relief

on 08-15-2008 at 01:53 PM (143 Views)

I just got the results from the CVS that we did a week before the MC...I am flabbergasted!!! Corine had NO genetic abnormalities! She was fine, it was just the placenta and the umbilical cord that were not normal (according to the Doc last week), which the high risk doctor said would have been the case with her cystic hygroma, he also said that this means that the next time the likelihood of this happening again is very low. So I have some closure, but also some confusion... BUT my pastor's wife said that it is great, because then the next time we get pg, it wont be automatically labeled high risk... yea, I would just have to have an U/S at about 12 weeks to make sure everything is fine. WOW I do feel a sense of relief, like a weight has been lifted and I can breath again, I'm confused, but relieved.

Also I had my follow-up doc apt today, things seem good (I can't say look 'cause she didn't look). I just have to have HCG tested every week till it "drops to negative"

2008-8-7 "it is well with my soul"

"it is well with my soul"

on 08-07-2008 at 09:07 AM (349 Views)

Well, we lost the baby...

Yesterday (8-6-08) I started cramping, I didn't think it was too bad at first. After spending the day doing some grocery shopping, I laid down and had something to eat and some water, and still didn't feel better. We called the OB and they just said to rest, and put me on pelvic rest (no biggie). Then I felt I had to go to the bathroom... ******graphic details to follow******** it felt like an explosion out of my middle, I felt a little better, but the cramping still didn't go away... a few minutes later, I felt gushing... so I ran to the bathroom, and it was blood... I was actually starting to pass the baby. Dear sweet Hubby called 911 (for the first time ever) and we waited (the baby came out completely at home)... they got here and loaded me into the ambulance and we headed to the hospital... DH had also called the OB back, so everyone was well informed... we got to the ER (DH drove separately) and things happened pretty quickly... then not so quickly... a doc from the OB came in (one we hadn't met yet) and was SOOO compassionate! They were telling us that I might need to go to the OR to have an evacuation (D&E) done, but the wonderful doc poked and prodded around down there and I finally expelled the placenta... after that I had to wait around half the night for some IV fluids and potassium (apparently I was low) to get into me. ***end of graphicness***********

- they let us spend some time with the baby, and it was confirmed that it was a little girl... we gave her the name Corine Stephanie... It's my middle name and the fem. version of DH name (I took a page from Taylor) but we thought it fitting. The hosp also let us have a picture of her (and gave us a pamphlet on loss and grieving)

- the doc was looking at the placenta and the umbilical cord and she said that with out a doubt, she is certain, that this would have happened, regardless of what we did last week (CVS), anything we've done in the last 15 weeks, or anything that we would have done future, she said that the cord and the placenta just didn't look right, the baby was definately sick. That was reassuring, in the midst of everything. We are STILL waiting for the results from the CVS to tell us for sure.

- DH told our DD's that the baby went to heaven to be with Jesus. And apparently later, my tenderhearted Faith (age 4) told my mom that the baby went to be with Jesus. They knew that she was sick, but they didn't know that the baby was a girl. Faith still asked me this AM if the baby was sick, so I re-explained that the baby was sick, but went to be with Jesus instead. **update** The CVS came back 'all normal' which means that it was just her placenta and cord that were the 'problem'. I am thinking that incompetent cervix had something to do with it too...**

-finally while we were waiting there, the song "It is well with my Soul" came to mind, we needed some help from my MIL for finding all the lyrics (with no comp available), it was good...

*** 2011 transfer** I think it's fitting for this post to include the comments that this one got, so here goes:

1. Erin H - 08-07-2008 09:59 AM

   Christina honey I am so very sorry for your loss. You and your family are in my prayers. If there is anything I could do for you I will.
2. 
   Tristasmother - 08-07-2008 10:34 AM

   Praying for you, Christina!
3. 
   stillhoping08 - 08-07-2008 10:35 AM

   i'm so sorry. i'm thinking and praying for you and your family during this time, and please know that sweet Corine Stephanie will NEVER be forgotten. take comfort that she is with her Maker and is so loved. you're a great woman, and i hope you find peace in these next few months.
4. 
   cmhudson07 - 08-07-2008 06:19 PM

   Oh, Sweetie! (((Hugs))) Know that you're in my thoughts and prayers.
5. 
   unctoothlady - 08-07-2008 06:57 PM

   I am so sorry about what you are going through. "It is well with my soul" is one of my absolute favorite hymns. And is so fitting. I will keep you in my prayers.
6. 
   retzhappymom - 08-07-2008 10:29 PM

   Christina - You and your family are in my prayers and thoughts.
7. 
   sammy413 - 08-08-2008 09:31 AM

   I'm so sorry that you lost the baby. My thoughts and prayers are with you, your family and your little girl. The good news is she can live again with Jesus and you will see her one day. God Bless you.
   S
8. 
   tazz - 08-13-2008 11:50 PM

   I am so sorry for you loss. That is such a fitting hymn. Just remember she's waiting for you in Heaven and when the time is right you will see your angel again.
9. 
   luvkeisha22 - 08-19-2008 11:55 AM

   I am sorry for your loss! I am praying for you and your family as I am typing this. Be encouraged and strengthened.
   
   Love,
   Keisha