2010-7-27 Taking BFF applications

Taking BFF applications

on 07-27-2010 at 12:04 AM (232 Views)

haha JK

In all seriousness though, I have noticed a severe lack of a good friend in my life!

In High school I had a group of four of us... we did everything together! 3 of us were even in the top choir together as seniors. We did senior ditch day together, just us. We ate lunch in the choir hall, just us. Oh, we had other friends, but when it all came down to it, these were the girls I went to. All for one, one for all kind of deal. ...then we graduated... sigh... I now have two of the three of them on my facebook... one is still in Flagstaff (and it's not me).

Before HS, there was 'R' We did everything together too, but now she's... well... more sister then friend ....and her home is South Africa (which is so cool!) so yeah...

... and I am feeling left out of the BFF craze or whatever, or even just having one really good friend. Someone I can talk girly things to, gab with, call for no reason... Even women my age, with just as many kids have BFFs. ...So where is mine?

Don't get me wrong I LOVE my DH and yes I can talk to him about anything, but think about it... he has a wife and THREE daughters. He needs a good guy friend too! to talk guy things, to be all guy-ish with LOL ...and we are both lacking in this area

So I need a BFF... too bad I can't do like Paris Hilton ... sigh... maybe I'll take applications anyway ha

2010-5-6 a bit of venting

a bit of venting

on 05-06-2010 at 10:42 PM (182 Views)

So my adorable 'nephew' (who's not really MY nephew, but I grew up with his mom as a 'sort-of' sister, so in that respect he's my nephew) turned ONE today. And I couldn't be happier, he is such a cutie pie!

BUT... it makes me think of all that has gone on in the last year... and nine months.

We lost Corine on Aug 6th... the 6th, and Landon was born on the 6th of May! Exactly nine months after Corine's passing *tear* and YES we have Holly now, but she in NO way replaces Corine, or the hurt... or any of the tears.... and no one else would get this, oh well...

I don't really feel better, but I sort of do... doesn't make sense but oh well

2009-12-5 I'm allowed to be cranky..... right?

I'm allowed to be cranky..... right?

on 12-05-2009 at 02:14 PM (77 Views)

I want to post that as my status on FB, but I'm afraid of the comments I'd get

So twice in a matter of a couple of days I am posting something here... wow

So I feel like I'm on some sort of strange house arrest... I can't go anywhere in my house without being followed, like someone HAS to be there the very second I go into labor... I feel like I can't go anywhere out of the house, I might go into labor... I feel like I can't take a shower, what if my water breaks and I don't realize it? (cause I can't seem to figure out when a cx happens either)... I can't call the OB about the blood in my CM when I wiped yesterday and this morning, how paranoid would I continue to look?... I am supposed to take things nonchalantly like the OB's are, but I am concerned I wont be able to squeeze this silly baby out, should she get much bigger (need I say again measuring 41 weeks...ouch)... Oh and my family just left to go 'drop off' the recycling, they asked if I wanted to come, but that would have added about an hour to what should be a 15 min trip (I'm not dressed)... now I think I may have them worried about me still! What if I go into labor while they are away?

I just can't win.... so I'm allowed to be cranky, right?

2009-12-3 I am so done being pregnant!... RANT!

I am so done being pregnant!... RANT!

on 12-03-2009 at 09:23 PM (119 Views)

So I haven't posted anything in a very long time... I didn't on our family Blog either... just updated the other day over there... but I feel like I need to scream, and in fact have been crying most of the day. Chalk it up to pregnancy hormones and uncomfortably in me. I am SO done! I am currently 38 weeks and 5 days pregnant and SO done! I had an OB check today. I am sure that most women would be fine with the news that I got, me... I don't quite understand what's wrong. At 36weeks (almost) I was 2-3cm dilated and at a -1 station, at 37 weeks (almost) I was 3cm, 80% effaced and -1 station, at 37.5 weeks (would have been 38 week apt) I was at 4cm, still 80% and -1... so I thought progress right!? I thought 'd been having contractions and that things would be a but further... Well today (38w5d... 39w? apt) I am STILL at 4cm and all he would say was that I am 90-95% effaced... WhOoPiEe (note the sarcasm)... oh oh and I am measuring at 41 weeks (What the heck!???). Faith's water broke at almost 1cm, so I really have no comparison to her... with Megan I was 6cm at my 38 week apt, Angie (my wonderful OB and family friend) told us to tie up our loose ends and come back to L&D later (so that she could deliver)... well I was still at 6cm when we got there and they used pitocin to help things along (which is no fun!) when they finally broke my water, I finally felt real contrax... and I had her within an hour and a half! ...next apt is already Monday...

I don't know where I am going with this... except to just rant! But, I am just frustrated that this is taking so long. I am uncomfortable, I can't breath (I haven't been able to since the end of Sept), my pubic bone HURTS - like it's bruised, and I have little pains all over my body... I just want to be done and sleep on my tummy again!

Another thing I realized today... I think subconsciously I wanted this baby home before MIL gets here so that we could adjust to this new little life in our home before she came. Not that I don't want MIL here, I DO, I really do! But she was there when Megan was born and I don't think we had a chance to adjust to being a family of four until MIL left, which was a stress for the rest of us (added on top of the normal stress that Megan added). So I think I wanted that too, just a little bit of time as the five of us, before we have family swoop in on us (MIL will be here for two weeks from the 12th to the 26th and my dad is coming Christmas eve to the 26th as well).

OK I think my rant is over... I think I am going to have either another cup of tea or cocoa and finish watching Private Practice...

2009-8-9 22 weeks and counting...

22 weeks and counting...

on 08-09-2009 at 07:41 PM (102 Views)

How far along? 22weeks 1day

Total weight gain/loss: up about 15 lbs so far, as per the home scale at night

Maternity clothes? No change.. except that I went and bought a pair of sleep shorts that are WAY to big, but feel SO nice

Stretch marks? I think a few more have popped up and the ones I have are ‘growing’, but still applying lotion as often as I can remember with the “Palmer’s” stuff

Sleep: restless.. and I still have had a couple of days where my RLS has acted up and that keeps me awake

Best moment this week: Hearing the heartbeat again and getting a prescription (yep a prescription, so it’s covered by the insurance) for a prenatal cradle.. Oh, I am anticipating the relief!

Movement: It’s a rare day that I don’t feel her move now! The days that I don’t seem to be the days I am more active (like while at work)

Food cravings: Just about anything you mention! It all sounds good! I have noticed though that cheese is really good and green beans are really good.. things that I can’t get too much of (at least they are not junk)

Any mood swings? My temper fuse is really short these days.. according to some other pregnant women I have talked to, this is normal.. not something I remember form Faith and Megan though

Labor Signs: None yet! Thank the LORD!

Belly Button in or out? In, so far is has gotten tighter though, I have noticed that I can’t see inside it as much as before LOL

Wedding rings on or off? No change..

What I miss: Bras that fit!

What I am looking forward to: (not pg related..) looking forward to getting my Bridesmaid dress so that I can figure out how it get it the right length,, that should be this week..

Bought anything for baby? In the last couple of weeks I bought fabric to go with the afore mentioned Boppy cover and the fabric will work for another pattern for baby items.. We are thinking of registering soon for a few things that we don’t have..

Weekly Wisdom: pregnant women get tired easily.. my feet still hurt from my six hour shift at work yesterday

Milestones: Her lips, eyelids, and eyebrows are becoming more distinct, and she's even developing tiny tooth buds beneath her gums. Her eyes have formed, but her irises (the colored part of the eye) still lack pigment. If you could see inside your womb, you'd be able to spot the fine hair (lanugo) that covers her body and the deep wrinkles on her skin, which she'll sport until she adds a padding of fat to fill them in. Inside her belly, her pancreas — essential for the production of some important hormones — is developing steadily.

some pictures:

My belly last week at 21 weeks


ultrasound taken 7-16 at almost 19 weeks... it's another girl (if you missed that) and this one shows her with her thumb in her mouth... little stinker

2009-7-7 Unmerited fears... all over again

Unmerited fears... all over again

on 07-07-2009 at 10:20 AM (99 Views)

I wrote a post on here back in October about finding out my 'sister' was pg. You can read it HERE. Then a few months later in January, my other 'sister' wrote in her blog and I just had to comment HERE. I even posted about being an excited aunt in my family blog HERE, and got a response from 'B' via email

So that brings me to the email from "Grams" that B sent out from her mom who is visiting the happy little family. Now I know what I've said before, I know that they all (mostly) accept me as family and nothing could change that, I know that N is no less Grams to my kids now that Landon is here. But something welled up inside me when I read

We haven’t done anything exciting, but it’s wonderful to just sit around and watch Landon. He is, of course, the cutest baby ever...

The rest of her letter was just mundane stuff they had done. Of course Landon's cute, I've seen pictures, I don't mind the fact that he's cute. It's the fact that N said cutest ever.

I don't feel like our babies were ugly (some are and you just want to cringe when you say "how cute", but MINE weren't like that!). I just don't know how to react, or even what to say when talking to N anymore.

This whole situation isn't helped by the fact that Landon was born 9 months to the day after Corine's passing. It was an eerie coincidence to me and probably one I'll never mention to B, R or N, as I'm sure I'd get some ridicule about it, or they'd just laugh it off.

OK I think my whacked out pg emotions are better now (maybe not completely...). I just hope that I don't need to write another post with this title.

2009-6-19 14weeks 6d Ultrasound... and work rant

14weeks 6d Ultrasound... and work rant

on 06-19-2009 at 06:49 PM (110 Views)

So I had my U/S today. The U/S tech was confused as to why I was having one but it was a fabulous scan. The neck looks great and the baby is so big... compared to the six week u/s we had... He/she measures 14w4d, only two days off, so no worries there (I did notice as she was measuring things that the head was measuring at 15w, yikes). No guess at gender yet, which is fine I would like the tech to be pretty certain.

Here is a picture from today


In other... whatever... I HATE (and I don't use that word lightly) my job. We got a new GM and he doesn't care about anyone's schedule. For the last two weeks I have been scheduled Friday in addition to my regular Saturdays. AND to top it off I was scheduled last weekend when I SPECIFICALLY asked for it off to go see Beth Moore (which was FANTASTIC). So I had to finagle my way out of not only one day (that I asked off), but two. Then this week I am scheduled AGAIN Friday and Saturday... not too bad (DH doesn't get to sleep very well... up for about 24 hours), BUT this morning was my U/S scheduled for 1/2 hour before I'm supposed to be at work. UGH So I seem to have no hope of a reprieve at this (poor DH), unless or until I quit. So I seem to be on the watch for a new job... if one will take me for a mere 6 months, with no guarantee of my return... again I say UGH

2009-6-11 Appointment- 13weeks 5days

Appointment- 13weeks 5days

on 06-11-2009 at 11:00 PM (75 Views)

My appointment today was GREAT!!!! I couldn't have asked for anything better. I got the most bubblyist Dr the practice has. She came in with the rinky-dink (old) U/S machine (seriously the screen was only about 4" wide) and gave us a peek at the little one and scheduled a better U/S as well (to look at the neck and head to make sure that the problem we had last year doesn't haunt us again). While she was moving the U/S want around the baby was moving in response to what she was doing, it was remarkable to see! She also whipped out the Doppler to have a listen (a fabulous HB in the 140's). She told me I could take some Magnesium for my RLS and gave me a different prenatal vit to try to combat the fatigue. So my 'better' U/S is next Friday. I am super excited, and this pregnancy is finally starting to sink in. I'll post some pictures when I get them

2009-5-13 First Dr Apt :)

First Dr Apt :)

on 05-13-2009 at 09:55 PM (116 Views)

So I had my first Dr apt for this pg today!

It took WAY longer than I had anticipated... but it was good!!! There was a lot of paperwork to go over and to sign... blah, blah, blah... Once I finally got in to see the Doc, he still talked at me quite a bit... and quickly, as he had a woman at the hospital 'pushing' (I'm thinking that if I'm pushing, some had better be there 'catching' cause it's about that quick for me) anyway... I might be labeled 'High risk' because of the two m/c's and because the one was in the second tri... yuck, except that it would mean seeing my bean more often (I am sticking to my guns, though and saying NO needles in the uterus this go round...)

So after the Dr checks me, much like a physical and looks and feels inside... he asks me if I want to listen with the Doppler, knowing that we were most likely NOT going to be able to hear anything (it's still rather early), and after waffling for a few minutes, decided to go a head and try to hear the HB (telling myself that I wasn't going to be disappointed or freaked out if/when we didn't hear it). After wandering around for a while with the thing, he was about to give up... but found it!!! a glorious little HB at 172!!! If the old wives are right... I think there may be an adoption of a little boy in our future... I'm still praying for this one to be a boy though!!

OK... Next apt is in four weeks, June 11


on a side note, I bought shoes for Rachel's wedding today they are cute and kind of strappy, Dr Scholls (yea) and not heals, which is good cause apparently (besides being 27 weeks pg) the ceremony is on the lawn... aeration by the bridal party not a good idea

2009-5-5 I'm an Aunt!

I'm an Aunt!

on 05-05-2009 at 11:45 PM (65 Views)

I got a call this evening from N that B and W had their baby boy. The cool thing was that N called me at 9:45 PM local time May 5th saying that he was born 2:XX AM May 6th... how cool is that? It makes total sense, because they are in Uganda I can't describe how happy I am for them! His name is Landon with a middle name that I can't spell (neither could N) but means "the blessing" SO PERFECT! I'm an AUNT!!!

(and as a side note I am crying, much like I did when I was on the phone with N. as I said, I an really happy for them... and I am enough of a family member to have been called right after the great-grandma, and Great Uncle (and Aunt Pat called N too), so I guess I don't really need to 'worry' much. N is going to see B and W and the baby in June, but she wanted to come here in Jan when Corine would have been born... hey maybe we'll get a visit from her finally at Christmas time....?)

OK I think my tears are done and I need to go to bed.... zzz

2009-4-29 Searching for a different church

Searching for a different church

on 04-29-2009 at 10:56 PM (98 Views)

I should be doing some dishes, but feel like I need to post something... now I could post that my current pregnancy seems to be going well, I am so tired on a daily basis, so emotional, 'sore' nipples (more like just strange feelings when they are touched), headaches, sneezing (yes that's a pg sign for me... it has to do with avoiding nausea), a bit of nausea and that incredibly full (dare I say bloated) feeling in my lower abdomen, AND then there's the fact that we've seen a HB (that's the best of all)! Even with all that, we are still keeping this under raps with the kids for the time being

But I'm not here for that today...
As it says up at the top, my family is searching for a different church. I don't really know what to say about it, except that it's rough! I (we) loved our church in Flagstaff! I don't know if we'll ever find one that we love so well... but we have now been to two different churches that I am really not so sure about. The first was an independent church and while it wasn't bad, and I could see myself (and my family) going back, it didn't 'jump off the page' so to speak. The second we went to was a Baptist church, it was very muchly NOT what we are looking for! There is another one close by that I would like to see, but I have a feeling that it will be similar to the last one... (I could be wrong) There is also another church (further into town) that DH and I joked about when we first moved here, because the pastor's last name is Dull LOL and we though 'How could you go somewhere where the pastor is dull' But in all seriousness, the web sight that they have looks promising. I meant to ask at MOPS last week where some of the women go... but, in all my pg brain, forgot. And when I talked to Kristy about it when I dropped off dinner last night, she mentioned another gal at MOPS, but didn't know the name of the church. *SIGH* I wish it were easier to find a place where your whole family feels like they fit in and has the things that your family is looking for. So again I *sigh*

Oh and the reason we are looking for someplace different? We have realized, two years after we started going there, that the focus of the church is NOT what we feel we can focus our lives on. It's not that it's a bad focus for a church, it's just not what we are looking for. Also, DH is having a hard time getting through to the pastor about a certain issue that I happen to agree with DH on (go figure, huh?). Now we have a list of things we would like to see in a church that we attend, and unfortunately I think about half of then have to do with the current issues we are having with the church we were going to. *sigh*

Now for some homemade ice cream and beddy bye... dishes can be done tomorrow...

2009-4-17 ultrasound and playing with pee sticks

ultrasound and playing with pee sticks

on 04-17-2009 at 12:49 PM (152 Views)

So I played with the HPT's last night and got some pictures. In reality I was making sure that they were getting darker. LOL So here is a picture of that




AND we, make that I - had an ultrasound this morning. Before I go into that, I have to explain how nervous I was! I woke this morning at 6-something in an absolute panic because of the dream I'd just had! It involved a lot of babies (that looked to be about 12 weeks gestation) all falling out of me. UGH I managed to go back to sleep and dreamed again that DH was doing something strange in the bathroom. It looked like he was trying to remodel and there was NO toilet and I HAD to go! I was done sleeping at that point so I lay there and contemplated today's ultrasound. After I managed to get out of bed I was NAUSEOUS before I ate breakfast I was NAUSEOUS after I ate breakfast... I would like to chalk it up to nerves. DH and I managed to convince DD that she needed to stay home with daddy (who didn't really want to go with me ).

At the ultrasound we heard a heart beat (though it sounded like mine), but we did get to see the little one with it's little heart flickering away. I was ecstatic!! The baby measures right on time from what FF says, maybe a day off... they found all they needed to find... though I seem to have a right ovary that was hiding LOL (the teck said though that she had found it back in Feb so she wasn't concerned). One other thing that was interesting was she said that back in Feb I had a retroverted (tilted backwards) uterus and now it looks just fine... huummm wonder if that has anything to do with why I m/c then. OK so here is today's picture... it's a little blurry, but I am in love!! and the line is the crown to rump length (2.5mm)

2009-4-8 Feeling a bit better about this

Feeling a bit better about this

on 04-08-2009 at 02:46 PM (103 Views)

I POAS again on Monday (just to reassure myself that this was for real) then I called the Doctor's office and got Beta's and P4 going.

The Beta from Monday came back at 776 and P4 came back at 22, went in again today and should have an u/s in a couple of weeks (pending on today’s beta #)

So I am feeling a bit better about this, but I'm still having a had time getting excited. I told 'O' from MOPS at Bible Study last night, she's excited for me! And MIL knows as DH told her yesterday. I still don't know when I want to tell other family... or even my sweet girls...

Five weeks tomorrow, still hoping this bean sticks around!!!



****Edited to add Beta results from today are in!!! The Number? 2009... (a 1550 was expected)!!! SO Yea!!! I am really starting to fear multiples though

U/S is scheduled for next Friday at 10:30... AND... I don't have to go back for any more Beta's (My arm is grateful!!)

2009-4-5 Oh Boy ... here we go!! Edit Blog Entry Rate this Entry * Excellent * Good * Average * Bad * Terrible * 1 Comment b

Oh Boy ... here we go!!

on 04-05-2009 at 10:52 PM (83 Views)

So I am still in shock!!

Yesterday was 16DPO as per FF and I couldn't stand waiting for AF any longer so I broke down and POAS

Lo and Behold it was positive!!! Now I compared it to the first stick I peed on back in Feb (yes I still have it for some strange reason...) and this one was lighter... but you could chalk that up to about a million different reasons... bought at different times, dye color different, I have been drinking quite a bit of H2O... blah blah blah

But never the less there were (still are, lol) two lines And yet I have never been so 'ho-hum' about a BFP before... I am having such a hard time being excited. I guess this comes with good cause... two m/c in a span of 7 months (15 weeks in Aug and 6 weeks in Feb)... I just want to know that things are alright before I let excitement set in... But I KNOW better, God controls what happens (what has happened ) and I can't let my fear of m/c again control me

On the positive side... I am super emotional... I've cried over the silliest things and have yelled at my children for no good reason; I am exhausted!!! and am asleep every night earlier than usual; I am nauseous ...like if I don't eat, UGH and not much sounds good...

OK ... hoping this one sticks around for the long haul... and (not so secretly) hoping that we almost even out the hormones (or at least the ratio of xx/ xy chromosomes) in this house (AKA I want a boy)!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
good night

2009-3-8 Sweet Sundays

Sweet Sundays

on 03-08-2009 at 11:36 PM (67 Views)

"A Pair of Shoes"

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

Author unknown

2 Corinthians 12:7-10
7To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. 8Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 10That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Our speaker in Church today (not our pastor) spoke on these verses. Before he got to the verses he told of how steal is made stronger by first making it weaker. Steal must first be heated very hot, where it becomes weaker, then it is cooled very rapidly (usually by water) and this is what makes it stronger.

My thoughts immediately went to what has transpired in the last year... Two pregnancies... a cystic hygroma... CVS testing... and in the end two miscarriages. I can only pray that, as Mike (I think that’s his name) said this morning, God in His sovereignty is using what the devil thought would get me down, and making me stronger.

As Mike continued to talk about Paul’s ‘thorn’ and how he begged God to take it away, but knew that God’s grace is sufficient enough; I continued to think of the poem that is above and thought, “Oh I wish this could be taken away, but I know better, I will ALWAYS be a woman who has miscarried two (please NO more) babies. I will never be able to have the innocence and joy of pregnancy that was there for Faith and Megan.” And I hate that!!! But he came back to the steal, and so must I. God is using this to make me stronger.

This whole thing reminds me of a time in HS when I was struggling between two homes. ‘N’ told me of how gold is refined and made more pure. When a goldsmith is refining gold he will turn up the fire (heat) below it to raise the imperfections to the top, then skim those imperfections off and continue the process. So heat (aka: trials) does quite a lot for a Christian... it can help to get imperfections ‘out’ and when cooled properly, make us stronger... and more like Christ. Praise be to God!

I very muchly needed today’s sermon!


Tristasmother - 03-25-2009 08:50 AM

Stina - I took a materials class in college that didn't explain steel-making as well as you did above based on the speaker's information. It is amazing that through weakness we can become stronger. So many times, it's just easy to see my weaknesses and how broken I feel, but it's nice to know that, if I will let God, the end goal will be my increased strength through him.

Thanks for sharing!

2009-3-1 The emotion of music

The emotion of music

on 03-01-2009 at 02:22 PM (71 Views)

I lost it in church today... I love music and I love the emotion that music can convey, it's just so hard when the music that I love so dearly brings me to my knees in emotion and tears. We sang (well I'm not sure that I sang too much ... very unlike me) "Blessed be your name" today. It's just such a great song, and we do need to remember to PRAISE HIM in everything, in the good and the bad... all I could do today was cry. I don't think it helped that "H" and "M" had their newborn baby there today (barely two weeks old and she was due a month after I was with Corine), so that coupled with the events of this week... that song really brought me to my knees today. I have managed to control my emotions, but Beth has it right... "It's tough being a woman"!!!!!!

Blessed Be Your Name
by Matt Redman
- - -
Blessed Be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name

Blessed Be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name

(emphasis mine) "A" said she sang it for me today. I am glad she did because my voice seemed to fail me today. Thanks "A"

2009-2-25 More thoughts on this loss...

More thoughts on this loss...

on 02-25-2009 at 10:21 PM (86 Views)

I still cannot believe that we miscarried AGAIN. Granted this is not as rough going as it was back in August, but it is still hard. 'A' from church (she always has poignant questions for me ) asked if I was becoming callused to this or if I am agonizing as to why this happened again... I waver back and forth.. Some moments I am "oh well... life goes on" and others I just have to sit down and cry because this did happen again. I just want to carry another baby to term!

2009-2-24 nothing there...

nothing there...

on 02-24-2009 at 11:14 PM (67 Views)

We did have an ultrasound today that showed that there was nothing there... I then went to the doc's office (u/s is in another building) and I got the news that my beta yesterday was only at 198... so this started long before yesterday. I go back in a week to give more blood to make sure that the number is falling like it should and in four weeks to make sure that my body is healing like it should...

I feel almost fine physically... a few AF type cramps and a pulling sensation around my right hip are the most bothersome... I also have some neck pain that may have come from laying so funny on the couch that last couple of days (stress related as well) ... emotionally ... it's a moment by moment thing... I'm not sure of how much more I can take...

2009-2-23 it's over...

it's over...

on 02-23-2009 at 09:22 PM (97 Views)

Well girls... I think I am out! ***TMI alert***I just passed a huge... well almost palm sized... clot that looks like it should still be in my uterus I had some cramping earlier and am feeling 'better' now... using my newly made cloth pads... I think I am still going to go to my u/s in the morning... just so that we can confirm what I already know. I know this sounds crass... but I would rather this happen now then like last time at a later time, I will miss this little one, but I didn't get as attached to it.

Poor DH didn't get much sleep today... he stayed up to watch the girls so that I could go get my blood drawn, and then slept in the living room (instead of the bed) which usually results in not so great sleep, and he woke earlier then normal to cook dinner. What a man I have! I just hope that he can make it through the night alright....

OK off to go change my siggy...

2009-2-23 scared and sad

scared and sad

on 02-23-2009 at 02:55 PM (70 Views)

I woke up to bright red spots in my undies this morning. I am so frightened. I called the doc and I went in today for blood work and I go in tomorrow for an u/s and the next day for follow up blood work. I am just praying for this little one.

This afternoon I got up to make the kiddos a late lunch and go pee and notice that there is a lot more blood now ... no real clots or cramps though... I hope that my u/s tomorrow shows something...

2009-2-22 Six Weeks!!

Six Weeks!!

on 02-22-2009 at 10:27 PM (66 Views)

This week marks six for this pregnancy! Yea!!

This week that baby is growing like crazy, is starting to sprout eyes, ears, nose, cheeks and chin. Those little hands and feet- still webbed like paddles- might wiggle by week's end, the heart is beating (almost twice as fast as yours!), and blood is starting to circulate.

Our little sweet pea...

2009-2-15 Week 5

Week 5

on 02-15-2009 at 09:39 PM (44 Views)

Wow, I can't believe that it's been a week since I found out about this pregnancy! DH knows, but my kiddos (hopefully) don't (they are smart little cookies, and I wouldn't put it past them, except that they haven't asked me any questions...) I didn't get a chance to buy Honey Buns for DH, but I sent him a piece of flair on Facebook... and he immediately banned me from Hot dogs and cold cuts, lol.

So according to BabyCenter.com I've got a little 2mm bean (about the size of a sesame (or a small apple seed - pictured below) seed) who will, this week, in fact, have a tiny heart that begins to divide into chambers and beat and pump blood... How exciting!!

2009-2-9 Week 4

Week 4

on 02-09-2009 at 11:29 AM (58 Views)

Wow, so I am still in disbelief!! but this is the size of the little bean as of now, I think I've read about 1mm...


This is a picture of Poppy seeds

I am not ready to post belly shots as of yet, but they will be coming rest assured!

2009-2-9 Oh My Goodness!!!

Oh My Goodness!!!

on 02-09-2009 at 12:25 AM (65 Views)

Well today was 16dpo and no sign of AF, my temps have been riding a roller coaster, up one day and down the next, it's annoying!! Also I have noticed that I have an excessive amount of creamy cm since I O'ed (I though it was supposed to dry up after O)... so I POAS this morning....



I am in total shock, and haven't even figured out how to tell DH... though I'm thinking of buying a package of honey buns (they're a sticky, honey ooey gooey mess - kind of like cinnamon rolls only not as big and more honey) from where I work and sticking one in his lunch box tomorrow and the rest in the oven and see if he catches on I am fearful of telling my girls till we see a good u/s

2009-1-29 The Doctors

The Doctors

on 01-29-2009 at 06:15 PM (96 Views)

I haven't really ever watched this show, but I heard that they were taking PCOS stories, so after a few days of thought, I decided to send in my story. Fun stuff

So here is what I am giving them...

Hello, my symptoms of PCOS are that I have male pattern facial hair (sideburns a beard and mustache) that I maintain by waxing, I also have a patch of hair on my back, and I have coarse dark hair all over that is almost impossible to shave. I am thin-ish, but have what I can only describe as a the beginnings of the typical male ‘beer belly’ I have always had this pudge, regardless of any exercise I do.

I was never officially diagnosed with PCOS, but a doctor (well, a nurse practitioner), after I had been trying to get pregnant for a year already, said that I probably had it. She looked at me and some of the things I complained about, asked a few questions, and said that my symptoms plus my both my parents’ high blood pressure can all be factors and said that I most likely had PCOS... that it would be a miracle if I ever ovulated and had children.

I can look back on my life and see symptoms as far back as when I was in 7th grade (I think ... my childhood memories are so fuzzy) I finally had my first period, my mom thought it could be a little late, but she wasn't worried at the time. By the time I hit high school I was having debilitating cramps almost every month, these were cramps that would put me in the nurses office for half the day or more, or keep me home on a hot pad with Ibuprofen in me. They really knocked me out! By this time my mom was noticing the trend and chalked it up to our family history... My Great-grandma on her side had problems getting pregnant (pcos way back then?) so she went to an Indian witch doctor, and I'm not saying that whatever happened was because of that person or not, but she then went on to have three children out of 8-10 pregnancies. My grandma (one of her children) had female problems (and I don't remember right now what...) but every one of her daughters (5? of 8 children), my mom included... had endometriosis, or cancers, and all had hysterectomies before they were 40. So this is where I am coming from. Later on in High School I blacked out a few times during my period and that's when I think my symptoms started becoming more evident. That’s also when I started growing chin hair and sideburns (so embarrassing!). I never thought to be concerned though cause I had somewhat regular cycles... while in High school I lived with two other teen aged girls and their mother (their dad had died some years prior)... ha ha, even the dog and the cat were female... so I was in sync with their cycles and never noticed any problems. When I became engaged, my college roommate suggested the birth control that she was using... the Depo shot. I think it was the straw that broke the camel's back, so to speak. I was on that for a year, when we realized that it was actually starting to drive me crazy (like, I felt like I was climbing the wall) and it was depressing me as well, so we nipped that in the bud! Then I was put on Alesse BCPs, I felt much better. But when I stopped it (so that we could start trying to have a child), my cycles just kept getting longer and longer and that's when I swore off hormonal birth control and started charting my Basal Body Temperature, and was ‘diagnosed.’ It took two plus years to conceive my first daughter. To help my self ovulate and stay regular I was taking Red Raspberry leaf capsules, Dong Quai and Soy Isoflavions (early in my cycle), under the direction of the nurse practitioner, but she never followed up. I ran out of the herbs at one point and that was the month I conceived my oldest daughter. Then I had decided that once sheturned one we would start trying for another child, in case it took another two years... well I didn’t have to wait very long, cause instead of getting my period when she turned one I got a positive pregnancy test. My second was born a short eight months later. When we decided that we wanted to try again for another child last year, I began charting my Basal Body Temperature again and realized that by taking nothing I was only ovulating once every three cycles, even though I would have a period, though those cycles tended to be a bit longer. I decided to try the Soy Isoflavions during the early part of my cycle again. This helped me to begin to ovulate every month and I conceived again. Sadly the baby died and I miscarried at 15 weeks, but I was told that her death had nothing to do with anything I had done or taken, it was her placenta and cord that had problems. We are currently trying again to conceive and have currently been at it for the last five months, and while I know that’s somewhat normal, I am not pregnant yet and I am getting older. I do not currently have any insurance, so I am relying completely on the Soy Isofalvions, and OPK’s (which actually seem to work for me).

I do not expect to be on this show, but I wanted to make sure that my story is out there... it is possible to have this and have a somewhat normal life (I still have to watch what I eat) and have children. Thank you.

Update from Wednesday

Alternately titled: Poppop

Rachel called Wednesday night to tell me that our Grandpa Smith was not doing very well at all and that the family is on alert that he is probably in his last days.

Friday evening my dad called to tell me the same news... catch that FRIDAY... as Rach put it: "Family phone tree FAIL" I can say this here cause it's very unlikely that most people will see it... My dad can be so difficult to understand, I that's a mild way of putting it!

So as we are making dinner Friday night Dad calls again. I knew when I saw the caller ID that Grandpa had passed. It still took him telling me that Grandpa had just died to actually believe it. I immediately went out to where Steve was grilling the steaks and he knew immediately. Steve preceded to call Nancy, his mom and my mom (who didn't answer) and my brother. We also told our girls and used some Bible verses, Psalm 23 being one of them. Psalm 23 is what I am learning for Beth Moore's memory verses... and I didn't even tell Steve about it before that.

Grandpa didn't want a funeral. So Monday my aunt, uncle, Kim Jonathan, and my dad... and I think my Grandma all went with his body to the mausoleum and then to lunch. Rach is hoping for a summer meet-up to reminise about him and Grandma Smith (I am all for that!).

RIP Edward K Smith Jr 1/4/1921-1/28/2011