2009-1-8 A rough day

A rough day

on 01-08-2009 at 07:06 PM (80 Views)

I had a rough day today... rant... As I was getting ready to head out the door this morning for MOPS, I notice that DH had brought in the mail from yesterday, and wouldn't ya know a box of canned formula (two cans!) is sitting there. So I immediately decided that it was going to MOPS to see if anyone there would like it. I didn't think it would affect me today... then as I was doing some errands later I saw an ambulance and didn't think much of it at the time, but as we were coming home, the place where I saw the ambulance hit me like a ton of bricks! I recalled my whole ambulance ride on the night I m/ced and was in tears within a few blocks . It's so hard... so then I remembered the stupid formula... now I am so emotional. Yesterday was five months, and here I am on YET another AF (and HAVE to wait for yet another one!). I supposed to be about to have a baby!!! I'm supposed to not have to worry about IF I am going to need a different dress for my cousin's wedding...


On a better (bittersweet) note I took my first dose of soy for this cycle this morning... I am hoping that taking it a couple of days earlier in my cycle will help me to O earlier!

2008-12-17 Oops

Oops

on 12-17-2008 at 04:12 PM (128 Views)

So I am supposed to be on a wait cycle (or two) due to being in my cousin's wedding in early Sept. I am liking not having to worry about 'if I eat this, will it affect my O?' or POAS to find out when exactly I am Oing.

SO DH and DTD this morning (no BC protection) and I laid there with him for a few minutes (longer than normal) not even thinking about it... I don't usually O till CD 18ish (it's CD 12)... and then a few hours later, I took a shower and decided to check CP and CM (cleaning down there anyways). The CP was higher then I remember it ever being, it was so open that if I could have gotten my finger further up there, it would have gone into the uterus and as for soft, yes. As for CM I haven't ever looked at semen before, but I would have thought it had all leaked out by the time I took my shower and what I was pulling out and getting was very stretchy and egg white, VERY stretchy and egg white!!

So, oh crap, I don't know what to do if we actually caught that egg, if in fact it has released, or will soon. R's wedding is in 37.5 weeks (Sept 6), if we just conceived a due date would be 38 weeks from now (add two for the first half of a cycle and you get 40 weeks)... that's a little too close for comfort. One thing that is reassuring to me is that I don't have '40 week' babies. I have a 36 week baby and a 38 week baby (that would be Aug 12 and Aug 26 respectively).

So whatever happens, will happen... but oops!

2008-11-19 Thanksgiving ramblings

Thanksgiving ramblings

on 11-19-2008 at 11:13 PM (84 Views)

OK, I should have been on here longer ago then this... oh well...

I did finally email my 'sister,' though I am still coming to terms with the whole situation. I AM happy for her and my children are excited that Aunt B and Uncle W are going to have a baby. She did respond back that they just found out it's a boy! I had to laugh!! We grew up in a house of all women! The three of us even had our cycles in sync after a while. Our dog was a girl, the cats we had were girls... basically the only men in our lives are our current husbands. I got 'lucky' (unlucky? IDK) to have two girls (well three, but God's taking care of the one) so far. She said that she's not going to know what to do with herself taking care of a boy. What a chuckle!

I am having a hard time coming to grips with the fact that if this cycle is a bust, I wont be pg on Corine's due date... or Christmas for that matter. I was talking with Allison tonight at care group (small groups from church) about it and realized that if I do get pg this cycle, I would be 12 weeks that week of Jan 27th, that's when the whole ordeal with Corine started, so I would be a nervous wreck! Nervous wreck or mental breakdown that week, neither is going to be pleasant, though I think nerves can be calmed better than anything else I would think I will be going through.

There was a mom's night out this last weekend with MOPS. There were only three of us there, but that meant the conversation was more intimate. It was good. The other two gals prompted me to talk about Corine and her loss. It was helpful, that's not to say that I'm all better about things, that's a wound that will only heal in heaven, but it was good to talk about things, and fears, and hopes with those two women.

Thanksgiving is next Thursday (one week away). Thanksgiving plans include picking up my MIL from the train station this Saturday morning. She will be here for a week. We are going to do the whole meal thing for just the 5 of us... unless DH can convince someone else to come over... I am super excited, and DD doesn't have school all next week so that's just icing on the cake. DH is concerned about her political views vs ours and doesn't really want to bring the subject up, but thinking she might...

My sister R is 'home' from South Africa for a longer Christmas vacation than normal (she's a missionary there) and we spoke a few weeks ago about her coming out here, but she realized that the funds just weren't there to be able to do that. BUT she emailed me the other day to say that she 'found' some reward miles that she needs to use, and is rethinking about coming out! It would only be a couple of days, but how awesome is God that He had her find those miles to be able to use!!! I am still waiting on confirmation from her, but I'm still super excited! (can you tell ) So that would be the week after Thanksgiving (the first week in Dec).

My DD, Megan had a well check last week, since her birthday was a few weeks ago. The Dr checked things and was feeling her tummy and said that her liver and spleen feel enlarged... (I'm thinking 'and what does that mean??!!') Doc said that it's probably nothing, asked if she'd been sick (like I can remember, she always active), but he wants to get things checked out to be on the safe side. So he sends us up to the hospital for some blood work. My wonderful daughter was such a champ and gave them three vials of blood from her arm, without a peep! So the we have an appointment on wed the 2nd to follow up and to make sure that she's fine (at least that's my prayer).

So, as things get busier and busier I am consistently trying to remember how much God has blessed us and to keep my focus on HIM, and HE is still to be praised even if this cycle is a bust (please no) and I am not pg on Corine's due date.
OK I've rambled enough for one blog, good night ladies

2008-10-12 unmerited fears

unmerited fears

on 10-12-2008 at 02:10 PM (142 Views)

It’s 1:15 in the morning, so what the heck am I doing here (typed then, SC seems to have been down...)? Besides that fact that I cannot sleep due to whatever ailment I have (high temps with other things), I can’t sleep cause ‘B’ is pregnant. Don’t get me wrong I love ‘B’ and I am just tickled pink that she is expecting. Especially after the lovely note that she sent to us after the m/c, she said that beyond her fear of having children (in a foreign country no less) is the strength that God gives to know that things turn out the way He wants and she (and I) finds peace in that.

Now I know that I am probably the only one to ever read this, unless I show DH or some cyster happens upon it. So in that case I will explain slightly further who 'B' is, then maybe my fear and lack of sleep will be understood. (I have made a cup of ‘Sleepy Time’ tea though, so hopefully I will get some sleep tonight.)

‘B’ is “Aunt B” to my girls, her sister ‘R’ is “Aunt R” to my girls, and their mom is “Gram”... the problem is that I am not really their sister and their mom didn’t birth me, nor is their dad mine. See, I moved in with this wonderful family in High School, when I was having problems with my mom. It was the best move for me at the time, however it was extremely hard on both the girls, ‘B’ more then ‘R’. ‘N’ always accepted me as one of her own, but I always felt (and still do, maybe rightly so) that I would come second to her own children in certain cases. This being one of them. My problem isn’t with ‘B’s’ pregnancy, as I mentioned before, it this nagging feeling (certainly not from God!) that my children will become unimportant or second to ‘B’ and ‘W’s’ child. I guess I’m glad that I got a little more than four years of having her first ‘grandchildren.’ I don’t know I guess I’m feeling scared that we (meaning my children) wont get the love anymore that we have gotten in the past from ‘N’. I’m scared that when/if ‘B’ and ‘W’s’ ever come back to the US (that’s a big if) that travel to them will be more important than travel to us (heck, who am I kidding she hasn’t visited us yet... even though she wanted to this summer, but that fell through and she wanted to fly here in January when she found out there may be a problem with the baby, so I suppose she's not coming then either). I suppose I shouldn’t feel this way, I mean if Kitty Trout can have 11 kids and love multiplied for all of then, then surely love multiplies for grandkids the same way... but I’m not really ‘N’s’ daughter, ‘B’ is. I guess I just need to go to bed and get some sleep (darned hormones!). come to think of it, I don’t think I’ll show this to DH...

Good night

*** Comment***

Tristasmother - 10-12-2008 04:20 PM

Christina - I think we all go through something similar. It may not be for the same reasons, but we all have those irrational fears that can drive us crazy! I've been thinking about you! I know that your girls are great and that Gram will still love your girls.

We had some friends in Oklahoma, and I considered the Dad my "Oklahoma Daddy." (He brought me gas the one and only time I've ever run out.) When they found out we were expecting Trista, he said "Well, I thought I would only have 8 grandchildren, but now I'm going to have 9." That really made everything special to me. He died in a motorcycle accident about 2 1/2 weeks after Trista was born, but he loved her as much as his own grandchildren during the time he was with her.

Sorry, didn't mean for this to be so long. I just wanted to say that some people have more love to offer than we give them credit for.

2008-9-24 on a whim I took an OPK...

on a whim I took an OPK...

on 09-24-2008 at 10:20 PM (116 Views)

So... on a whim I took a OPK today and lo and behold it was +!!

Now this doesn't mean that I'm going to try for another baby just yet... I don't think there is enough lining there for implantation with all the bleeding and spotting I've had in the last 7 weeks... BUT it's a start and that would mean I am Oing all on my own!! yepee!! So, now I hope to get (a real) AF in two-ish weeks and then start trying again (providing I don't start spotting again)! I was just so excited!!

Sorry if you can't see it too well, but the front part of the test line is as dark as the control line...

Attached Images

• 0924 +opk zoom.jpg

2008-9-22 Autumn is here...

Autumn is here...

on 09-22-2008 at 06:22 PM (112 Views)

Nothing new here... it's DH birthday today (mine was Thursday), poor thing had to work last night and tonight, so he's slepping... this week is going to seem dull in comparison to eating out a lot for birthday dinners/ ice cream last week.

I was supposed to have training to be sub at DD's preschool this week, but work schedules won't allow for it... more like, DH has to sleep and I cannot be in two places at once.

I went through my kiddos clothing this morning/afternoon, changing things out for fall and what has gotten too small. What a chore!

I am still spotting on and off, and think of using the NPC that I have to jump start things... not sure though, but I have a day or two to decide...

2008-9-17 Tired of this

Tired of this

on 09-17-2008 at 11:14 AM (116 Views)

I suffered through miscarriage exactly 6 weeks ago! I though I'd be finished bleeding by now... I thought I'd be finished bleeding 3 weeks ago. I'm just so tired of thinking that I am finally done bleeding (one to two days of no spotting or anything) and then BAM there's something there on the liner in the morning, bright red... seeming to mock me. I had wanted to actually somewhat plan when my next baby was born... January was going to be an OK time, ideally I'd have a baby next June/July, that would even out our children's birthdays throughout the year... I still have a few weeks, but bleeding doesn't help my situation. I'm just ready to start TTC again, be pg again, and have another baby... I love my first two and they want another baby too... even DH was excited about the prospect of a new little one. What's wrong with me? I knew I just wanted to stay in bed this morning...
BLAH...

2008-8-31 Memorial and other items

Memorial and other items

on 08-31-2008 at 10:40 PM (132 Views)

Well today we had a memorial service for Corine. This was mostly at the suggestion of our pastors, it was good though! Our associate pastor did most of it, Steve said a few words, and we listened to Mercy Me's song "Homesick" and sang "It is well with my Soul" It was a good chance for closure. Our friends the Arther's were there, as well as a couple of women from my MOPS group. I wanted to read a poem I found here (on the PCOS sight), but I can't even get through it silently without tears.. I can't imagine what it would have been like out loud in front of people... I've posted it on my Facebook, maybe I'll post it in MySpace too and re-post it here:

HEAVEN'S NURSERY
By Rebekah Milne, Mildura, SA, Australia,
written after her own miscarriage.

In Heaven there must surely be
A special place, a nursery
Where 'little spirits' not fully grown
Go to live in their Heavenly home.

The angels must attend with love
Tiny spirits on wings of doves,
The choir of angels must sing lullabies
Maybe quieten their tiny cries.

The Father must come by each day
To cuddle and play in a special way
These tiny spirits left earth too soon
Little ones called Home from the womb.

These sparks of life did not perish
But came to the Father's love to cherish,
To grow and be taught in His own arms
Safely away from all earthly harm.

The comforter was sent to earth at once
To the parents who lost their little one
Their hearts so ache, t heir arms feel empty
The question 'why' seems so tempting.

Then all at once in the midst of tears
There comes a peace that stills the fears
The parents share the Father's own need
To hold their tiny spirit being.

They relinquish their own desperate hold
And release their baby to the Father's fold,
Then comes an angel to whisper the truth
Of a nursery in Heaven bearing rich fruit

Of tiny spirits chosen to worship the Father
A place that couldn't be filled by another,
Called to be spared from the struggles of earth,
Chosen to be one of Heaven's births.

So Father, whisper words of love from me
To our unborn 'life' in your nursery


As for the other items...
-My first two HCG #'s have come back. The 15th it was 373. The 22nd it was 111. I searched online (as I shouldn't have...) and with those two #'s the half life is four days.... at that rate I won't have a 'negative' number till mid Sept. BUT I don't have the # from this week yet.

-...though when I do get the # from the 29th, I think I need to ask about the bleeding which has picked up a bit in the last couple of days. *sigh* My body definitely does not need to work all week again. ... I digress

-Faith has started Head Start preschool. She just loves it! Megan on the other hand 'misses her sister' (for the first five minutes)

-My dad called today saying that he's coming out for Megan's birthday (end of Oct). It's always so awkward when he comes, I feel like we don't have enough activities for him to do and I fell like he gets bored.

2008-8-15 with CVS results comes relief

with CVS results comes relief

on 08-15-2008 at 01:53 PM (143 Views)

I just got the results from the CVS that we did a week before the MC...I am flabbergasted!!! Corine had NO genetic abnormalities! She was fine, it was just the placenta and the umbilical cord that were not normal (according to the Doc last week), which the high risk doctor said would have been the case with her cystic hygroma, he also said that this means that the next time the likelihood of this happening again is very low. So I have some closure, but also some confusion... BUT my pastor's wife said that it is great, because then the next time we get pg, it wont be automatically labeled high risk... yea, I would just have to have an U/S at about 12 weeks to make sure everything is fine. WOW I do feel a sense of relief, like a weight has been lifted and I can breath again, I'm confused, but relieved.

Also I had my follow-up doc apt today, things seem good (I can't say look 'cause she didn't look). I just have to have HCG tested every week till it "drops to negative"

2008-8-7 "it is well with my soul"

"it is well with my soul"

on 08-07-2008 at 09:07 AM (349 Views)

Well, we lost the baby...

Yesterday (8-6-08) I started cramping, I didn't think it was too bad at first. After spending the day doing some grocery shopping, I laid down and had something to eat and some water, and still didn't feel better. We called the OB and they just said to rest, and put me on pelvic rest (no biggie). Then I felt I had to go to the bathroom... ******graphic details to follow******** it felt like an explosion out of my middle, I felt a little better, but the cramping still didn't go away... a few minutes later, I felt gushing... so I ran to the bathroom, and it was blood... I was actually starting to pass the baby. Dear sweet Hubby called 911 (for the first time ever) and we waited (the baby came out completely at home)... they got here and loaded me into the ambulance and we headed to the hospital... DH had also called the OB back, so everyone was well informed... we got to the ER (DH drove separately) and things happened pretty quickly... then not so quickly... a doc from the OB came in (one we hadn't met yet) and was SOOO compassionate! They were telling us that I might need to go to the OR to have an evacuation (D&E) done, but the wonderful doc poked and prodded around down there and I finally expelled the placenta... after that I had to wait around half the night for some IV fluids and potassium (apparently I was low) to get into me. ***end of graphicness***********

- they let us spend some time with the baby, and it was confirmed that it was a little girl... we gave her the name Corine Stephanie... It's my middle name and the fem. version of DH name (I took a page from Taylor) but we thought it fitting. The hosp also let us have a picture of her (and gave us a pamphlet on loss and grieving)

- the doc was looking at the placenta and the umbilical cord and she said that with out a doubt, she is certain, that this would have happened, regardless of what we did last week (CVS), anything we've done in the last 15 weeks, or anything that we would have done future, she said that the cord and the placenta just didn't look right, the baby was definately sick. That was reassuring, in the midst of everything. We are STILL waiting for the results from the CVS to tell us for sure.

- DH told our DD's that the baby went to heaven to be with Jesus. And apparently later, my tenderhearted Faith (age 4) told my mom that the baby went to be with Jesus. They knew that she was sick, but they didn't know that the baby was a girl. Faith still asked me this AM if the baby was sick, so I re-explained that the baby was sick, but went to be with Jesus instead. **update** The CVS came back 'all normal' which means that it was just her placenta and cord that were the 'problem'. I am thinking that incompetent cervix had something to do with it too...**

-finally while we were waiting there, the song "It is well with my Soul" came to mind, we needed some help from my MIL for finding all the lyrics (with no comp available), it was good...

*** 2011 transfer** I think it's fitting for this post to include the comments that this one got, so here goes:

1. Erin H - 08-07-2008 09:59 AM

   Christina honey I am so very sorry for your loss. You and your family are in my prayers. If there is anything I could do for you I will.
2. 
   Tristasmother - 08-07-2008 10:34 AM

   Praying for you, Christina!
3. 
   stillhoping08 - 08-07-2008 10:35 AM

   i'm so sorry. i'm thinking and praying for you and your family during this time, and please know that sweet Corine Stephanie will NEVER be forgotten. take comfort that she is with her Maker and is so loved. you're a great woman, and i hope you find peace in these next few months.
4. 
   cmhudson07 - 08-07-2008 06:19 PM

   Oh, Sweetie! (((Hugs))) Know that you're in my thoughts and prayers.
5. 
   unctoothlady - 08-07-2008 06:57 PM

   I am so sorry about what you are going through. "It is well with my soul" is one of my absolute favorite hymns. And is so fitting. I will keep you in my prayers.
6. 
   retzhappymom - 08-07-2008 10:29 PM

   Christina - You and your family are in my prayers and thoughts.
7. 
   sammy413 - 08-08-2008 09:31 AM

   I'm so sorry that you lost the baby. My thoughts and prayers are with you, your family and your little girl. The good news is she can live again with Jesus and you will see her one day. God Bless you.
   S
8. 
   tazz - 08-13-2008 11:50 PM

   I am so sorry for you loss. That is such a fitting hymn. Just remember she's waiting for you in Heaven and when the time is right you will see your angel again.
9. 
   luvkeisha22 - 08-19-2008 11:55 AM

   I am sorry for your loss! I am praying for you and your family as I am typing this. Be encouraged and strengthened.
   
   Love,
   Keisha